Saturday, May 26, 2007

It's All About The Mother I Wasn't ALLOWED To Have

I've seen recent comments by adoptive parents - that are along these lines -

Some aparents don't want their children to feel the pain and grief of adoption loss (that we blogging adult adoptees speak of), and will do all that they can to NOT make their children go through that hell.

I do see adoptive parents that ARE reading and listening - but I think this is something that needs to be repeated for all those that just don't seem to understand the gravity of this subject matter.

No parent (well the sane ones) wants their child to feel pain - of ANY kind.

The point that I see that many a-pars miss is that many/most adoptees WILL feel like this - and a-pars can do NOTHING about it.

Like Nicole, at Paragraphein, has said in this previous post about Relinquishment vs Adoption - it's about abandonment issues - about separation from the person that we grew inside.

It's not ABOUT you (the adoptive parent) at all.

It does become about you - when you do not acknowledge that grief - and deny contact with the first family - and all those things that go along with making matters even worse - once you have parental rights of that child.

It's THEN that a-pars need to suck it up - and think about the child's best interests - not THEIRS.

The major damage has been done.
Initial separation is complete. (this alone hurt me just to write)
You must move into damage control and become an empathetic person - with the heart the size of a lion.
You decided to take the adoption route - now - get on with the job.

You've taken on a roll that I see as one of the hardest in the planet.
Trying to be the mother that the child wasn't allowed to have.
Children WANT to be with the mother that they grew inside of.
(if you disagree with me here - you obviously have a great more reading and listening to do.)

Children find themselves in the land of adoption for many and varied reasons (I will not go into this topic here) but ultimately - it is through NO fault of their own.

I am also not going to delve into the blaming game here (again - there are many and varied reasons for adoption) - BUT the ongoing parenting of the adoptee has been placed in your hands.

It is no longer about what you want - too bad if you don't WANT your adoptee to feel those things - no-body WANTS bad things for their loved ones - but if you deny that it may well be an affect - you are denying the healing and understanding that needs to take place.


A few more points - my opinions - things I need to say...................

We adult adoptees are NOT here to make anyone else feel better or worse about their part in adoption.
Most of us have found our way here through a life of adoption hurt.
Most of us are just relieved to find others that feel so many of the same feelings that we have lived with throughout our lives.
Our stories are many and varied - but I feel that the similarities of the majority here in Blogland are undeniable and should be listened to carefully.
Often, things that we write are taken personally and we are told that we hurt adoptive or birth parents.
This is for YOU to deal with - it is really YOUR problem - not ours.
Maybe it hurts because it is challenging those long held beliefs that many hold.
We are speaking our truths - something that has been silenced by others our entire lives.
We are the ones that have been hurt by the reality of REAL LIFE ADOPTION loss.
It happened TO US - please do not negate the hurt that we feel.
We are trying to deal with our hurt - deal with yours.
We are finally finding the courage to speak up - and no matter how angry you get with our words - you will not silence us now.
Many comments that are made to us - can, at times, hit very raw nerves. (we are the ones living lives that we were not meant to live)
But - we are NOT here to teach.
If you happen to learn from us - great - all the better for all the other adoptees in the world.

OK - I'm off my soap box for now - if you get the chance - here's a few good reads I want to share........

'What we have here is....Failure to Communicate" - by Joy.

"I'm a Hypocrite" - by Issycat.

"Are children inherently bad?" - by Julie.

Poss. xx

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Adoption & Energy


Yeah - I'm still alive.

Hanging in there - as they say.

Life has been a complete whirlwind of late, and I had to back slowly away from my blog for awhile to gain back some of me.

I just finished 2 weeks of practical experience teaching Year 1/2 at a local Primary school. It was amazing, draining, enlightening, uplifting, extremely busy - and I miss 'my' little class of munchkins already. These 6/7 year olds were amazed that I had to go back for more study at University, to finish training to be a teacher - their words - "But you're a really good teacher!!".
(I wonder if I can get credit points just on their words??!!)

I have 4 weeks left of University this semester - and a few more assignments & exams to complete.

For those that perhaps have been wondering - no - still no word from A or my mother.

May is always a really hard month for me. This one has been a particularly hard one.

We had mother's day - an extremely bitter / sweet day.

My adoptive mother died when I was 18, from cancer. I never got to be an adult with her. She never got to meet my husband. She never got to see my gorgeous kids.

I miss her.

My first mother doesn't really want to accept that I exist. It's been two years now since I found her. And I just get silence.

But I miss her too.

Last Thursday was my birthday. The 17th May.

(yeah - no happy birthday from the mum's that I miss in my life)

My kids, husband, in-laws, my class (I was on prac), my mentor teacher and my wonderful friends all treated me with love and kindness.

But - May is a really hard month for me.

One last note - some amazing adoptees (many you've read here in Blogland) have written some truly insightful words over at the new adoptee forum -
'Adult Adoptees Advocating For Change'.

There is a thread called 'Adoption & Energy' - and - if you have the chance - I truly recommend that you take the time to have a read. What has been written in word here - are feelings that have surrounded me throughout my life. Feelings that so often exhaust me now.

(I believe that this is one of the pages that does not require you to be a member to read. If you have trouble getting to the link - please let me know.)

Thanks for checking in on me.

Poss. xxx