Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I want to get off this ride now - pleeeeaaassse.

I'm really struggling today.
My eyes are puffed up from crying myself to sleep last night - and there is a constant ache lurking just below the surface.
I've had enough!!!
I want to get off this adoption merry-go-round now.
I want to stop feeling so much pain.
I have decided that it would have been better if I were actually an orphan - rather than an adoptee.
If both my parents had died soon after my birth, I would have been told my family history - no questions asked- and I would most likely have photos of my family, and I would have been told throughout my life what my parents were like.
Who knows - I may have even been cared for by someone within my own clan.
I would have been a puzzle piece that fitted - rather than a misfitting, lost piece - that never truly fits anywhere.
Above all, if I had been orphaned, I would have been allowed to grieve for the loss of my parents, and I would have done so many many years ago - not now, in my late 30's.
For all my life, a small light of hope shone deep in my heart - hoping that one day I would know my mother, and the family that I should have grown with.
Almost two years ago, I finally tracked my mother down, and made first contact.
She was rattled at first - asked for my patience and time - and told me in her one and only short letter that she would indeed attempt to answer the questions that I held deep inside.
Since then - it's been total silence.
I have written a total of 8 times - and finally her husband wrote saying how badly she was coping - but assuring me that she would contact me one day - and that hopefully we could both find peace.
But - I know in my heart that this will never be. She is so caught up by what she is going through - and not once has she showed an ounce of compassion for what I have been feeling.
I have to extinguish the light of hope for one final time.
I can't keep waiting and waiting for something that may never be.
I need to stop jumping every time the postman arrives on his daily run - hoping above all that he holds a letter from the one person I long to hear.
I want to be able to lay down at night - and sleep soundly - without this constant thought stream continually running through my head.
I just want it all to go away.
I don't want to feel so sad anymore.
I just want it all to go away.


Blogger said...

Oh Chez, this is so sad. I wish she would write and that she could see beyond her own pain and loss and reach out to you.

18/1/07, 12:45 am  
Blogger melanie said...

I'm sorry about your situation. I too wish she could see beyond her own pain.

Sometimes we have to remember that as adoptees we aren't responsible for any of this shit. It all comes from the actions of others before we could speak for ourselves, be they selfish, coerced, uninformed, desperate, made with the best or worst intentions,loving, whatever. When it all comes down, it's not us.

Some people, I think, feel like what they have done in the past has put them on a track that can't be changed. It's really not the case, but it's hard for some to see it.

18/1/07, 1:29 am  
Blogger Paula O. said...

Dear Chez,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I will echo what and Melanie said and hope that one day, she will be able to reach out to you - you deserve her compassion. You deserve that and so much more.

Please know that I am thinking of you.

18/1/07, 7:43 am  
Blogger AMYADOPTEE said...

I do know what you feel. My first mother refused contact almost one year ago. Kim was one of the first ones to comfort me. I was devastated just like you. Try putting a sitemeter on your blog. That will be one way to track to see if she is checking on you. Believe me the tears still come almost a year later. Please be patient. I know they always say that. If I can do this so can you.

18/1/07, 9:24 am  
Blogger suz said...

oh gosh. i so get this (only from the other side). sending you big hugs. sending you peace, hope and some contact from your first mom.

19/1/07, 5:24 am  
Blogger chez said...

KimKim - thanks again for your gentle words. They help so much.

Melanie - thanks for dropping in. Do you have a blog??? You are right about remembering that we adoptees are often just feeling the affects of things that were SO not in our control. But it all still hurts none the less.

Paula O - so lovely to meet you also. I've been catching up on your blog - which I'm really enjoying.

AmyAdoptee - thanks for the sitemeter tip - all loaded now thanks!! Also have been reading up on your blogs. Many similarities - hey??

Suz - thanks also for dropping in - your blog lets me see from the other side also - I thank you for that.

Feeling alot better - some days I just tend to hit a wall.
Your thoughts and words help a great deal.
YAY - I'm not alone!!!

24/1/07, 12:30 pm  

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