Thursday, January 18, 2007

A new day

Today is indeed a new day.

Thank you to the many that have left messages or emailed with their support. It has meant a great deal & it has soothed my sorry-ass soul!! As Nina wrote in her Blog - these days just happen, then, luckily, there is a new day - and some of the heaviness of it all starts to lift - and life rolls on.

I have been searching and reading many blogs today. Not great fun for my dearest 3, home on school holidays, and a little tired of mummy being on the computer a little too often over the last few days - but I pulled myself away often and invited their friends over to play, so as not to totally ignore their existence. (guilt - yes I have it bad - but I won't even go there just now.......)

I found a great blog by Mia, an adoptee whose mother is not playing the happy-reunion game (mmm - so I'm really not alone!!!), and an amazing post about Self Actualization. I learnt a little about this concept at Uni last year, and Mia's tilt on her own "Self-Actualization" spoke volumes to me. I also had questions in my mind about this concept as an adoptee - one who doesn't yet
really know where she came from - and trying to move forward in the best possible way without the "normal" markers that most people would hold for granted.

I so wish to distance myself from the dreaded depression-monster - as I have fought with it in various forms in the past. I don't want to be a "victim" or to use my adoptee status as a crutch to lean on. I want to move forward - I want to move on - and although I may never find the magic answer - I'm feeling stronger in knowing that a) I'm not alone and b) I can and will come through all of this.

I send you all a heartfelt thankyou for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with complete strangers - and in doing so - validating the feelings I myself hold within.


Blogger Reunited Dan said...

Hi chez,

I read your blog and I just wanted to send along some thoughts and tell you not to give up hope. I don't think your birth mother and her husband would make the effort to write and ask you to be patient if they had no intention of contact. I think they never would have responded at all.

When my birthmother was located, she was unable and unwilling to make the decision about a reunion. One of the things that seemed to work was a rather diabolical move.

The post adoption counselor had me take two or three of my baby pictures and put them in a sealed envelope. She was specific that they be baby (or very early childhood) pictures only.

These were sent with a letter stating that I understood her feelings and would respect her decision. I would certainly be disappointed but I would respect her decision.

The letter was to say that the envelope held the baby pictures for her to tuck away until she was ready. I was also instructed to say this was the last letter I was writing since I didn't want to force her to do anything she felt uncomfortable doing.

It sounds like there are other issues in your birth mother's life and I know it is hard on you. For your own sake, you might want to pull back and send a "thinking of you" type card every now and then.

One other thing the counselor said was really helpful may apply to your situation. Your birth mother isn't rejecting "you" because she doesn't even know "you". She is rejecting the memory of that time in her life. They did a huge amount of damage to birth mothers back then and your contact made it very real for her again.

The pace of reunion can do a number on you but try to be patient.

Sorry to go on,

Reunited Dan

18/1/07, 9:23 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

I agree with you reunited dan and your counselor. The more real you can make yourself to her, the more likely she will make contact at some point in time, her time to be sure. I like the baby pictures in a card with perhaps a strand of your hair...a part of you and a part of drive that "connection" home. At some level, your birth mother is agonizing over what to do; what she did; how to proceed or not. Ultimately, it is her choice just like it was (or may not have been) in the beginning. Only this time, you are taking the initiative.

For the life of me, I don't know how any mother or father could resist contact with their own child. I know everyone is in a different place, a different time BUT this is one's own flesh & blood. It does boggle one's mind how any parent could not want contact with their child, especially one who is wanting that. So, from that percpective, I empathize with you chez. I will read your blog....believe it or not, you are on a good road with a lot more to follow.

19/1/07, 11:27 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

The other thing I might consider putting in that card is a link to this blog...if she saw what you were going through you might get a call or letter. Nothing brings out a paretnal response quickier than the innate desire to protect their own....just a thought.

19/1/07, 11:30 pm  
Blogger Joy said...

Hey I am a Taurus too!!!!

I just saw that in your profile and felt you should know.

Have I prostyltized Stephen Levine and Pema Chodron to you yet, sorry it's a bad habit, but they have really helped me with my grief

21/1/07, 7:03 pm  
Blogger chez said...

Dear Dan, Leroy & Joy - thankyou so much for popping in to say hi. Your words mean more than you can imagine.
I hope that my later posts will explain what steps I have taken so far to reach out to my mother.
But ultimately - she has to be the one who wants to have the contact - and not having control over that - kills me!!!
Thanks Joy also for the author hints - haven't heard of those - will look into them - thanks.

24/1/07, 12:35 pm  
Blogger chez said...

oh - and Dan - I would never say that you "go on" - your input I value greatly.
I thank you, and all others that take the time to comment, most sincerely.
This is just another long learning curve for me - and if I don't HAVE to travel this road alone - I'd much rather have some friends along for the ride!!!

24/1/07, 12:39 pm  

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