Giving Up On Hopes, Dreams & Wishes
A wonderful first mum blogger - Suz - has written today about letting go of wishes - titled - 'Giving Up Wishes' - please do go over and read if you can.
As usual - dear Suz has got me to thinking - but from the point of view of an adoptee - and the hopes, dreams and wishes of an adoptee who WANTS to find their first mother - who WANTS a reunion of sorts.
You see - I'm not getting those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
I don't think I'll EVER get those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
My mother is too damaged by the 'joys, sunshine and roses' of adoption - that I don't think she'll ever come around to see me, like I would wish her to see me.
I've spent this last year trying to come to terms with the fact - that - I am not going to get that which I had hoped for - when I set out searching for my family of origin.
Sure - finally - I received some answers.
I finally know 'who' they are - I have some contact with my father - and slowly (sometimes painfully slowly) I'm finding stuff out about the 'why' and the 'where'.
I'm also starting to get to know the father that I was never allowed to know.
I'm still hoping that I will also be allowed to one day get to know my siblings - but for now - I wait - hoping for 'my' time.
BUT - I'm losing all hope on what my greatest heart desire was when I started on this journey - that of reuniting and getting to know the person that I have such a great need to know.
My mother.
Coming to terms with that - has been a heart-breaking journey - to say the least.
Suz wrote this - (in relationship to her lost daughter) -
"Motherhood does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my child simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations."
I would have to also say -
Being someone's child does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my mother simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations.
I have no regrets that I started on this journey - there is stuff I just needed to know.
But for now - I need to work hard to refocus - as it's all not going where I want it to go.
I need to start living by those words.
I need to look at all this in a different way.
As usual - dear Suz has got me to thinking - but from the point of view of an adoptee - and the hopes, dreams and wishes of an adoptee who WANTS to find their first mother - who WANTS a reunion of sorts.
You see - I'm not getting those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
I don't think I'll EVER get those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
My mother is too damaged by the 'joys, sunshine and roses' of adoption - that I don't think she'll ever come around to see me, like I would wish her to see me.
I've spent this last year trying to come to terms with the fact - that - I am not going to get that which I had hoped for - when I set out searching for my family of origin.
Sure - finally - I received some answers.
I finally know 'who' they are - I have some contact with my father - and slowly (sometimes painfully slowly) I'm finding stuff out about the 'why' and the 'where'.
I'm also starting to get to know the father that I was never allowed to know.
I'm still hoping that I will also be allowed to one day get to know my siblings - but for now - I wait - hoping for 'my' time.
BUT - I'm losing all hope on what my greatest heart desire was when I started on this journey - that of reuniting and getting to know the person that I have such a great need to know.
My mother.
Coming to terms with that - has been a heart-breaking journey - to say the least.
Suz wrote this - (in relationship to her lost daughter) -
"Motherhood does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my child simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations."
I would have to also say -
Being someone's child does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my mother simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations.
I have no regrets that I started on this journey - there is stuff I just needed to know.
But for now - I need to work hard to refocus - as it's all not going where I want it to go.
I need to start living by those words.
I need to look at all this in a different way.
posted by Possum at 11:13 am
9 Comments:
(((Hugs))) to you Possum. I know the exact feeling. IT hurts so very much to be rejected by the one person we want so much to (at worst) know, (at best) to love and to be loved by ...
Its so hard isn't it.But don't give up, maybe just take a breather. Its what I have been doing, only to lower the hurt factor..
Isn't it sad how there are adoptees like you and I desperate for our mothers and a Mother like Suz desperate for their child.
Why is that the way ? It Sucks!
Sending you lots of (((hugs))) And Suz Too ! :)
And even more hugs to you Poss.
Yes, I understand. All to well and yes, it sucks. More than sucks.
Big, big hugs to you my friend. In "The Passion", Jeanette Winterson wrote:
What you risk reveals what you value.
I have told myself that countless times as I've taken steps forwards and backwards in my journey.
Our need for connection, our desire to know our histories and ourselves brought us to this moment.
We rolled the dice, and we had to be prepared for the outcome.
Even if we thought the odds were in our favor. Even if we thought we could handle *any*thing that was thrown at us, we still had hopes for success.
Some people never even make it this far.
And while on my worst days, I feel like a failure, I know I'm not. I'm a better person for jumping off the cliff into the abyss. And as least we have our friends and community to catch us as we come crashing down into the earth......
Hang in there. We're all there for you.
Few things make me cry but this did. Even though I have the whole happy slappy reunion, I can still resurect the pain that consumed my life for so many years with very little effort. My heart aches for you and all the others on the wrong sides of adoption. (((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry, ((Possum)). I can't imagine how much it hurts.
(((POSS)))
Love to you. xx
(((Possum))). I am so sorry. As a mom, this is one area I can't and don't understand. I wish I had the right words, the magical formula to make everything right for you and to give you those loving, accepting arms you deserve and should always have.
I'm here on my end with virtual arms for a hug whenever you need it.
Hi Possum! I'm glad I found you too. Great post, and so very true!
I’m a birth mother and never wanted to give my baby up for adoption. I’ve had to relive this for 37 years. Racism played a big role within family and community etc. what people thought and how they were raised was also factor within generations. A problem still today in the South. I dislike ignorance and I am a bitter birth mother who can never get back what I’ve lost.
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