The ONLY Way Adoption Should Be.
A question about 'healthy motivation to adopt' & ethical adoption - was posed to me earlier this week.
The points below relate to both those that are considering relinquishing a child - and those that are wishing to adopt.
* Adoption should be for the benefit of the child - and not the benefit of the adult.
(first and foremost)
No child WANTS to be separated from their parents.
Adoption should never be seen as birth control - for a child that was conceived and born at the wrong time.
It is NOT emotionally and psychologically healthy for children to be separated from their parents - whether as an infant - or as an older child - IF IT DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN.
No child will understand fully - that their own family - from where they came - never fought hard enough to keep them within their ranks.
The reasons have to be damned good - for an adoptee to fully come to terms with why they were given away.
(and don't get me started on 'a loving choice' - which is just adoption agency bull-dust - to make it all sound better than it ever will be - to an adoptee)
* Adoptive parents need to love and help an adoptee to grow - but still allow that child to know and have links to their past - that part of them that too often is discounted - even when it may feel uncomfortable to do so.
(of course only if it is safe to have that contact)
Knowledge also includes allowance for grief - of all that the adoptee has lost.
If the adoptive parent does not allow for grief (ongoing grief - not a 'aren't you over that yet' non-understanding of grief) - they are damaging that child - with hidden scares that will last a life time.
Don't wait for the adoptee to ask you for information - they're too scared that you'll reject them - and that's usually more than they can bare.
Allow their story to be spoken of from day 1.
It's their story to own - allow them to have it.
* Adoption should be seen as a means for a child to have a larger family - not a replacement family.
Adoptees have a HUGE compacity for love.
Allow them to love all - and love them deeply in return.
And NEVER make an adoptee choose sides - their adoption wasn't a choice they made - it was yours.
* All parties MUST remember always that the child has no say in any of the adoption decisions.
Think of how your actions will affect the child 20 years down the track.
If you live in a state that has sealed records for life - how do think your adoptee will feel when they finally become an adult - and they're still not allowed their OBC - nor their truth???!
If you relinquish - and move on with your life without telling anyone - how will the adoptee feel when they are not allowed to know their first family, siblings and extended family - because you're too frightened to let people know of the truth?
Make it your life mission to expel the lies and secrets from your life - so that your adoptee doesn't have to deal with them for their entire life.
Adoptees already feel rejected - don't make them pay over and over for events that they had absolutely no choice in.
* Work on nurturing the child for who they are - not for who you want them to be. Work with, not against, the 'nature'.
An adoptee is NOT an adoptive parents biological child.
They never can be - they never will be. Do not put that pressure on your child.
An adoptee has traits, looks and talents of his/her biological family. Don't fight that - embrace it - love it. Never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
Adoptees may end up living in completely different lifestyle from the one he/she came from - again - never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
* Try to remember that the adoptee is forever caught in the middle - between the family he/she was born to - and the family he/she was raised in.
Adoptees will try hard to please everyone - while rarely taking care of their own needs.
Be aware of their pleasing tendencies - and don't make them take sides.
* Above all ethics in adoption means - to help out a pregnant woman in need - to parent - before trying to obtain her child for your own gain.
THIS is the loving option - the loving thing to do.
If adoption really does NOT have to happen - how about showing some love - to keep mothers and babies together?!
Adoption IS meant to be about finding homes for those that no longer have one.
It's supposed to be about the child. (not about those that can't have one)
Let's look after the best - ABSOLUTE BEST - interests of the child.
That is how adoption SHOULD be.
The points below relate to both those that are considering relinquishing a child - and those that are wishing to adopt.
* Adoption should be for the benefit of the child - and not the benefit of the adult.
(first and foremost)
No child WANTS to be separated from their parents.
Adoption should never be seen as birth control - for a child that was conceived and born at the wrong time.
It is NOT emotionally and psychologically healthy for children to be separated from their parents - whether as an infant - or as an older child - IF IT DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN.
No child will understand fully - that their own family - from where they came - never fought hard enough to keep them within their ranks.
The reasons have to be damned good - for an adoptee to fully come to terms with why they were given away.
(and don't get me started on 'a loving choice' - which is just adoption agency bull-dust - to make it all sound better than it ever will be - to an adoptee)
* Adoptive parents need to love and help an adoptee to grow - but still allow that child to know and have links to their past - that part of them that too often is discounted - even when it may feel uncomfortable to do so.
(of course only if it is safe to have that contact)
Knowledge also includes allowance for grief - of all that the adoptee has lost.
If the adoptive parent does not allow for grief (ongoing grief - not a 'aren't you over that yet' non-understanding of grief) - they are damaging that child - with hidden scares that will last a life time.
Don't wait for the adoptee to ask you for information - they're too scared that you'll reject them - and that's usually more than they can bare.
Allow their story to be spoken of from day 1.
It's their story to own - allow them to have it.
* Adoption should be seen as a means for a child to have a larger family - not a replacement family.
Adoptees have a HUGE compacity for love.
Allow them to love all - and love them deeply in return.
And NEVER make an adoptee choose sides - their adoption wasn't a choice they made - it was yours.
* All parties MUST remember always that the child has no say in any of the adoption decisions.
Think of how your actions will affect the child 20 years down the track.
If you live in a state that has sealed records for life - how do think your adoptee will feel when they finally become an adult - and they're still not allowed their OBC - nor their truth???!
If you relinquish - and move on with your life without telling anyone - how will the adoptee feel when they are not allowed to know their first family, siblings and extended family - because you're too frightened to let people know of the truth?
Make it your life mission to expel the lies and secrets from your life - so that your adoptee doesn't have to deal with them for their entire life.
Adoptees already feel rejected - don't make them pay over and over for events that they had absolutely no choice in.
* Work on nurturing the child for who they are - not for who you want them to be. Work with, not against, the 'nature'.
An adoptee is NOT an adoptive parents biological child.
They never can be - they never will be. Do not put that pressure on your child.
An adoptee has traits, looks and talents of his/her biological family. Don't fight that - embrace it - love it. Never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
Adoptees may end up living in completely different lifestyle from the one he/she came from - again - never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
* Try to remember that the adoptee is forever caught in the middle - between the family he/she was born to - and the family he/she was raised in.
Adoptees will try hard to please everyone - while rarely taking care of their own needs.
Be aware of their pleasing tendencies - and don't make them take sides.
* Above all ethics in adoption means - to help out a pregnant woman in need - to parent - before trying to obtain her child for your own gain.
THIS is the loving option - the loving thing to do.
If adoption really does NOT have to happen - how about showing some love - to keep mothers and babies together?!
Adoption IS meant to be about finding homes for those that no longer have one.
It's supposed to be about the child. (not about those that can't have one)
Let's look after the best - ABSOLUTE BEST - interests of the child.
That is how adoption SHOULD be.
Labels: adoptee, adoption, adoptive parents, best interests of the child, ethical adoptions, family preservation, relinquishing mothers
posted by Possum at 12:09 am
11 Comments:
Bravo, Poss!
Great post Possum!
Amen!
And in order for all that to happen we need to remove the profit motive in adoption.
For more on the subject read:
The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
Indeed, that is how adoption SHOULD be.
Excellent post.
This is great and yes adoption SHOULD be THIS way and as Mirah Riben said w/o profit.
Thanks Sunny, Mary, Mirah, Jim & Michelle.
Mirah - I must read it - it's a book - yes??
I do appreciate everyone's words - and thank you so much for stopping by.
Hugz,
Poss. xxxx
Possum, I just read Suz's blog about MTV doing a show in cahoots with NCFA and wrote them an email with my thoughts on that. This post would be a nice thing to send them too! Much more thorough and well written.
OXO
Very, VERY good points Possum! I think everyone involved in or considering adoption should have access to what you wrote here.
Hello. I'm an adoptive parent of a child from Vietnam and the future AP of a child from Ethiopia. I found your blog through Michelle's (Madre of Angelica). Thank you for writing this. I think so many adoptive parents miss the boat on a lot of this. We did when we first began the process. I appreciate your sharing and hope to continue reading your blog. Best.
I also found you through Michelle's blog, and LOVED this post! May I link to this on my blog? Thanks!
Michelle
AA, AP, PAP
Just stumbled by here and I wanted to say that this is one of the best posts on the way adoption ought to be that I've read.
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