Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Rejection Hurts More Than Any Word Could EVER Express.

I removed a whole heap of posts about my story - as I was paranoid.
As a searching adoptee I want to put my story out there - but now I've found my family - I'm so scared that any of my words could break the fragile links that I have in place with family I long to know.
I cling onto the hope that I will one day get to know the family that I was separated from soon after birth.
And I'm so so scared that something I do or say will have them closing the door in my face.
Not that the door is wide open.
No.
We're talking about a tiny opening - barely just visible.
But it's not completely closed - you know?!
So I have to cling on to my faith in the goodness inside people - hoping that she'll come around.
Because she hasn't yet.
Her husband - my father - is keeping the door slightly ajar - but she hasn't.
And that hurts SO SO SO SO much.
She doesn't want the kids to have contact with me. My own FULL siblings.
She makes out as if she's protecting them from something horrible.
I can only imagine that that something horrible must be me.
In my head - it's not - IT'S NOT - ME.
It's HER - and her memories and her emotions that she's too damn scared to deal with.
But in the meantime - she hurts ME.
Me - that had no choice in where I wanted to stay.
I wanted to stay with my mother. With my father.
To grow up knowing who I looked like. Who I talked like. Who I acted like.
I wanted to grow up with siblings that looked and acted just like me.
Instead - they discarded ME.

And she's discarding me still.
Apparently I'm not worthy enough to be openly acknowledged.
I'm the reminder of the past.
She can't deal with me.
So she pretends I never happened.

But I did.
I'm here.
And FUCK THIS SHIT HURTS.

17 Comments:

OpenID Sang-Shil said...

Oh, Poss... I wish I knew what to say. You're exactly right that it's fear, her fear, and that it's NOT YOU AT ALL.

Hugs from a long ways away.

(((((Possum)))))

6/5/08, 11:38 am  
Blogger Andie D. said...

OH POSS. I've been there. I am "fully" reunited with both of my parents and I am still there sometimes. The fear of rejection holds like a mother f&$#@%.

It hurts in theory, in reality, in everyday application, when we try to ignore it, when it smacks us in our faces... JEZUS Christ. If your mom only knew YOU, there would simply be no way you would be anywhere but in her arms.

Oh baby.

(((((((POSS)))))))))

6/5/08, 2:51 pm  
Anonymous Judy said...

I'm sorry, Possum. *hugs*

6/5/08, 8:27 pm  
Anonymous Sally / Noni :) said...

You know that I know exactly what you mean.

I wish I could get their collective heads and bagn some sense into them.

The pain is immense, and it does hurt - off the richter scale of hurt.

For what it's worth, we love you, and will forever hold out hope that she comes around.

((((((((Possum))))))))

7/5/08, 11:56 am  
Blogger The Fuzzy Duck Daughter said...

(((Poss)))

I've been there too, as you know. It hurts like a motherfucker.

I think of you often and hope your mother chooses to open her eyes.

She doesn't know what she's missing...

xo
irisheyes

8/5/08, 11:57 am  
Anonymous jim said...

Sweetest Possum, I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Nothing hurts an adoptee more than further rejection.

Your mother's life would be so much richer with you in it...
I'm sorry, words fail me right now.

Great Big Hugs to you.

10/5/08, 8:14 am  
Blogger ch said...

It is NOT You...Jxx

10/5/08, 11:24 am  
Blogger Third Mom said...

Oh, Possum, this is so hard. I hope and pray your mother is able to get past her fear, soon. Sending good thoughts and (((hugs))).

10/5/08, 11:53 am  
Blogger elizabeth said...

{{{{Poss}}}}}

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You deserve so much better. You are a wonderful, beautiful person! Sending love and hugs xoxo

11/5/08, 1:29 pm  
Blogger Jane said...

Oh Poss (((((HUGS)))))) I am so sorry you are hurting so much
But I do completely understand.
((((((((((((POSS))))))))))))

13/5/08, 12:03 am  
Blogger karatemom said...

hey "sis" and I say that because your post is a carbon copy almost as my story.

I have recently reconnected with my Half sister ( that was raised by my birth mom) we are talking via emails.

she is has a mom -daughter relationship with my real mom..who still to this day ..now 18 years after our reunion..is not acknowledging me at all ..even though ...I am now basically the age she was when I met her for the first time.

Even though I always put forth the olive branch and "push open the crack in the door" a tiny bit more in hopes that she will open it the rest of the way.,

I can identify completely to your feelings of constant rejection from your mother.
you are not alone.
All I can say to help you ...

is it is NOT your fault, Not your problem, you did not cause her denial ..you cannot make her ready for this and she may never be ready for this.. all you can do is continue to be peeking through the crack in the door and hope one day she peeks back.

dont give up ..I have still not given up.

my full birth sister has bannished me from her life and in a weird twist of fate..I reconnected with my nephew first and now his mom - my half sister ..has opened her arms to the possibility of a relationship..

its been 15 years since we last had contact.....I know its hard right now..but this shows you it CAN change...dont give up.

quinn..aka..one voice is heard..aka..karatemom..aka KMA

( I keep changing my blogs basically for similar reasons to yours ...so i really do understand)
take care
my friend.
( hug)

16/5/08, 12:32 pm  
Blogger Gershom said...

(((((((Possum)))))))))

18/5/08, 6:28 pm  
Anonymous Mia said...

((((((((((Possum))))))))))))

You're right, there really are no words to express it.
I'm thinking of you sweetheart and sending good energy your way.

21/5/08, 1:04 am  
Anonymous Heather Rainbow said...

I'm sorry (((Possum))) I don't know what else to say. I hope that she will be able to come out of her pain soon and accept you lovingly into her life.

22/5/08, 1:47 pm  
Anonymous Sunny said...

(((POSS)))

You are so right, but that doesn't help much, does it?

I'm sorry you're hurting, no one deserves that--especially YOU! xx

26/5/08, 2:06 pm  
Anonymous angel said...

I wish there was a way to take away the pain and hurt. Can only send you a million hugs and remind you what a wonderful, amazing fabulous person you are. Love ya Poss.. xx

26/5/08, 2:32 pm  
OpenID lhjh4 said...

i am so sorry she is being this way.

((((hugs)))

7/6/08, 5:01 pm  

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