Adopted AND Abused??

The adoptee (almost human) that wrote the wonderful and heartfelt words from my last post - What An Adoptee Wants To Know - has a website - Adopted-Abused - for those adoptees that ended up in abusive adoptive households - and they have a survey running for those that lived through such pain.

A message from almost human -

"Please, if YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW has been adopted and abused, we are gaining a presence, putting it out there that yes, abuse in adoption is a REAL issue.
Pass it on!!!

As of this moment, the hit counter at adopted-abused.com is up to 13,630 (that was last week - now it's at 14,617 - quite staggering). That's up by nearly double in the past two weeks!
I've been looking at the referrers, and we get quite a few random hits from search engines...

We've got 14 registered, some of whom are waiting for me to update the survey (which will be finished this evening)
207 questions (view the Survey Analysis to see the questions and the break-out of responses)
3 blogs (under Read Our Stories)"

Please - make a difference - and pass this on.

What An Adoptee Wants To Know?

Question on Y!A -

" When and if you met/meet your real mom, what did you want to know?"

Answer by 'almost human' -

"to her i will ask, "what were the circumstances behind my conception, birth, and relinquishment? I want to know the beginning of my story and be able to tell my children about this history, so they may have a stronger link to their heritage."

secretly my heart will be bleeding and i will be asking, "why did you put me in the hands of strangers? why did you not do what it takes to keep me? how could you have a happy day in your life after having given away your flesh and blood?

but all of the above is just a fantasy. there is not even a breadcrumb from which to find my mother, much less ask her any questions.

to know you have been abandoned is the worst feeling in the world. i wish i didn't have to replay this meeting in my head over and over.

i wish this question/pain
didn't exist/didn't need to be asked
to/for/by anyone."

And that - right there - goes to that deep dark place that so many adoptees just don't want to even attempt to go to - ever.
The stuff that adoptees try to keep hidden - from themselves - from their families - from the world.
The stuff that they don't want to say out loud - because they know - deep in their souls - that it will hurt the people they love most - BUT - to keep it hidden - is to have a gaping wound that can never ever be healed.

I think being able to admit such deep feelings can help with the healing of our hurts - instead of always trying to keep everyone else feeling at ease - and keeping our own pain on the backburner.

I thank all of those adoptees that are reaching into their souls - baring all - being honest and open. (you give me strength)

Just maybe some will listen. Those that can help with the healing of past practices - and those that can try to decrease the occurrence of such hurts being made in the future.

Prevention is far easier than trying to heal deep gaping wounds.

Adoptees tell their stories NOT to hurt - but to heal.

I hope that people get that??

Origins Australia & Mental Health Issues Of The Adoptee

I've only discovered recently - that Origins NSW/Australia now has a new web site - and it's well worth the visit. (yep - I'm a little slow on the uptake - it's probably been up for a while now - but I've finally changed my links - so don't forget to change yours!!)

There is a great summary of research - which ALL prospective/current adoptive parents should take the time to read.
The research details studies done since 1943 - of the psychological affects of separation (from mother) and adoption on babies and children. (look under 'Mental Health Damage' in the left hand column on Origins.)
There is more research 'out there' (you know - books, articles, online) - of course - but this is a great kick start to finding further knowledge on how adoption affects the adoptee.

The articles summarized highlight not only about the effects of initial separation on the adoptee - but some also look at the ongoing problems adoptees face when their adoptive parents ignore the subject of adoption and links to one's bio family - and/or the negative affects on adoptees of ineffectual parenting post adoption - and of those adoptive parents that have not dealt with their own issues of infertility and grief from being unable to parent a bio child of their own.

Most isn't new reserach - by any means - but too often any such research gets ignored - as it doesn't fit into the 'happy-happy-rainbow' adoption hype that too many insist on believing.
Adoption agencies out-right ignore the research, I can only presume, because it doesn't fit into their money-making mission statements.
Prospective adoptive parents perhaps dismiss such research as it possibly has never crossed their radar - or - it doesn't fit into their desires of finally getting the child they always hoped for - no matter the cost (both monetarily and to the child).

It also must be said - that when we are faced with totally new information - we - as humans - tend to dismiss it outright - especially if it clashes with our internal belief system - and of what we 'want' to believe.

Adoption - for so long - has only been portrayed to the public and the unsuspecting - as 'happy-happy-rainbows' - so as a concept - this research - my words - and the words of other adoptees and first mothers - clashes - supremely - with the belief systems held by average Mr and Mrs Jones.
If new information 'feels wrong' - search into that - ask yourself WHY - do your own research - is it because you've never seen/heard it yourself - why is it clashing with what you feel is right???

As you would know - if you have been reading here for some time - I only believe in adoption when it ABSOLUTELY is the ONLY option for a child to have a loving, caring home.
(NOT with name changes, changing of OBC's and a whole host of other issues - as essentially family preservation is my greatest concern - but I think you can get where I'm coming from.)
Basically - BEFORE that 'adoption' step - I would hope that all possible means would be found for the child to live with their bio family - as long as no harm is present.
(my beliefs run very close to that of the UN Convention of Rights for a Child)

For those kids that have no other option for a loving, stable, caring family - and foster care or adoption are the best possible outcomes - special considerations for that child's well-being MUST be a priority for better emotional and psychological well-being of that child.

Adoptive parents MUST go in with their eyes wide open - and the desire and capacity to learn from many and varied sources - to be aware of ongoing issues and possible hurdles that their adoptee may face both now and into their future.

There is no - 'wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am' in adoption.
No sign the papers - get the child - live 'happily-ever-after' in adoption.

Too many think that's all it takes - but adoption to an adoptee is something that they live and breathe - THE REST OF THEIR NATURAL LIFE.
It's something that they revisit often - as they grow and mature.
It's NOT something that they can 'just get over' because everyone else they live with has had enough of it.
(WARNING: many an adoptee will outwardly portray that all is 'sunshine and roses' - if that's what they feel they must portray in order to keep their adoptive family happy - fears of rejection are very real for an adoptee - so don't be fooled by outward appearances)

Adoption to an adoptee - impacts on their relationships - their learning - their living - their being.

And to those adoptive parents that aren't supportive - aren't open minded - aren't proactive - YOU are causing even greater harm to a child that has already had their fair share of emotional and psychological damage in their very short life.

Keep reading, keep sharing, keep talking, keep learning.

The only way that the misconceptions in adoption can be removed - is for the words to get out there - for the ripple effect to take hold.

What can you do to shake out those misconceptions in adoption today???

What can you do to help your adoptee live with adoption - in the most loving and caring way???

ETA: check out this site - Quantum Parenting - just found it - looks good from what I've read so far.....

The ONLY Way Adoption Should Be.

A question about 'healthy motivation to adopt' & ethical adoption - was posed to me earlier this week.
The points below relate to both those that are considering relinquishing a child - and those that are wishing to adopt.

* Adoption should be for the benefit of the child - and not the benefit of the adult.
(first and foremost)
No child WANTS to be separated from their parents.
Adoption should never be seen as birth control - for a child that was conceived and born at the wrong time.
It is NOT emotionally and psychologically healthy for children to be separated from their parents - whether as an infant - or as an older child - IF IT DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN.
No child will understand fully - that their own family - from where they came - never fought hard enough to keep them within their ranks.
The reasons have to be damned good - for an adoptee to fully come to terms with why they were given away.
(and don't get me started on 'a loving choice' - which is just adoption agency bull-dust - to make it all sound better than it ever will be - to an adoptee)

* Adoptive parents need to love and help an adoptee to grow - but still allow that child to know and have links to their past - that part of them that too often is discounted - even when it may feel uncomfortable to do so.
(of course only if it is safe to have that contact)
Knowledge also includes allowance for grief - of all that the adoptee has lost.
If the adoptive parent does not allow for grief (ongoing grief - not a 'aren't you over that yet' non-understanding of grief) - they are damaging that child - with hidden scares that will last a life time.
Don't wait for the adoptee to ask you for information - they're too scared that you'll reject them - and that's usually more than they can bare.
Allow their story to be spoken of from day 1.
It's their story to own - allow them to have it.

* Adoption should be seen as a means for a child to have a larger family - not a replacement family.
Adoptees have a HUGE compacity for love.
Allow them to love all - and love them deeply in return.
And NEVER make an adoptee choose sides - their adoption wasn't a choice they made - it was yours.

* All parties MUST remember always that the child has no say in any of the adoption decisions.
Think of how your actions will affect the child 20 years down the track.
If you live in a state that has sealed records for life - how do think your adoptee will feel when they finally become an adult - and they're still not allowed their OBC - nor their truth???!
If you relinquish - and move on with your life without telling anyone - how will the adoptee feel when they are not allowed to know their first family, siblings and extended family - because you're too frightened to let people know of the truth?
Make it your life mission to expel the lies and secrets from your life - so that your adoptee doesn't have to deal with them for their entire life.
Adoptees already feel rejected - don't make them pay over and over for events that they had absolutely no choice in.

* Work on nurturing the child for who they are - not for who you want them to be. Work with, not against, the 'nature'.
An adoptee is NOT an adoptive parents biological child.
They never can be - they never will be. Do not put that pressure on your child.
An adoptee has traits, looks and talents of his/her biological family. Don't fight that - embrace it - love it. Never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
Adoptees may end up living in completely different lifestyle from the one he/she came from - again - never make the adoptee feel bad about it.

* Try to remember that the adoptee is forever caught in the middle - between the family he/she was born to - and the family he/she was raised in.
Adoptees will try hard to please everyone - while rarely taking care of their own needs.
Be aware of their pleasing tendencies - and don't make them take sides.

* Above all ethics in adoption means - to help out a pregnant woman in need - to parent - before trying to obtain her child for your own gain.
THIS is the loving option - the loving thing to do.

If adoption really does NOT have to happen - how about showing some love - to keep mothers and babies together?!

Adoption IS meant to be about finding homes for those that no longer have one.
It's supposed to be about the child. (not about those that can't have one)
Let's look after the best - ABSOLUTE BEST - interests of the child.

That is how adoption SHOULD be.

Bring Baby Evelyn Bennett Home

Australians would have no idea about the story I am about to share with you.
Damn - most Americans who are not linked to Adoption Reform have no idea either.
But it is a story that needs to be told - and it is a story that should NEVER be played out again.

(please note that this is a story that is being played out RIGHT NOW - not 30 years ago - but TODAY)

At 17 & pregnant, Stephanie Bennett was introduced to an adoption agency (by her school counselor) who proceeded to advise her to run away from home to another state, have the baby, then sign over the rights to the child then and there.

No - lets talk together with your parents & the father of the child.

No - these are ALL the options that lay before you.

No - real support for a young girl who finds herself in a very terrifying position.

No - let's think of what is in the best interests of the mother and child at all.

These people used their power to coerce a young girl into doing something that would forever change her life - and that of the child - all in the name of supplying a child to a couple unable to have their own.

Has the trafficking in children become so horrific that the RIGHTS of another are completely ignored??

Stephanie's parents, on finding out all that had been done, immediately went to court to demand custody of their grandchild - AND THEY WON.

BUT - the adoption agency refused to return Stephanie Bennett's baby! And the case has been too-ing and fro-ing in the courts ever since.

How the hell can these people sleep at night??

What ever happened to 'IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD'??

They have raped one child (yep - 17 is still considered a child in all cases - except when signing over your parental rights in Ohio, USA) to gain another.

Stephanie and her parents are still fighting in court to have their baby Evelyn returned.

And they need our help.

Please pass this on to all people that you know.
The media have not taken this story up as they should have.
This is the most blatant denial of basic human rights and it's now up to 'people power' to get something done.

The FULL STORY - can be read here.

The PETITION - to return baby Evelyn Bennett home - is here.

The ADOPTION SHOW - listen to Judy Bennett (Stephanie's mum) on the Adoption Show last Sunday night.

The OFFICIAL WEBSITE - donations are needed to help fight.

Please pass this on to everyone that you know.

Baby Evelyn needs to go home. (let this little adoptee be with her mum)

Baby Evelyn turns one today. (you're in my thoughts baby girl)

Baby Evelyn needs to go home.

Other links to blogger's posting about this........ (in no particular order)

Theresa
Julie
Marley
Claud
Nicole
Rebecca
Margie
Gershom
NikkiJo
Amy
Kim
Mia
Angel
Paula
Suz
Erin
Jen
Deborah
Sarah
Jenna
MSP
Andie
Angela
Robin
Adoption Road Kill
Erika
Judy
Abebech
Aislin
Heather

The Reply From My Mother

A couple of weeks after sending THE letter, see this posting below, I received, at last, the letter that I'd been waiting for.

It was a letter from my own real non fairy-tale mother - something I'd longed for my entire life.

It's contents weren't all that I'd hoped for, by a long shot, and I'm sure that if there had been no other interference from self professed "Search Angels", the outcome may have been so very different - but it was first contact, none the less, from the woman that I had so longed to know.

Letter contents were as follows:

Dear C,

I have received your letter, and am pleased to learn that you have had such a happy and productive life, and am proud of your achievements.

However, your recent communications have thrown my life into complete turmoil and I now need time to try to work through all of this. Due to this, I would sincerely ask for your patience and understanding for a further 6 months or so, especially as I have a large number of personal and important commitments to undertake during that time, which need my undivided attention.

My husband, and now, of necessity, my counselor, are the only two people who know all this information, so I sincerely ask you to respect my heartfelt wishes, and do not in any way, contact, or attempt to contact, anyone in my family in the meantime please.

I realize you are wanting more information, but in the meantime, I hope you can try to understand my situation, and please be patient.

Kindest regards,
P.

This letter was dated 28th April 2005 - and I have not heard from her, directly, since.

I have written another 6 letters to her - including my letter to her about finding her first daughter, my sister, J in April 2006 - and advising that J was not going to pop up out of the blue as I had, into her life.

The silence from her end has been deafening.

So in November 2006 - after 18 months of pouring my heart out to her - so very gently - I decided to let it be known, directly, to my other siblings (her kept children - all now in their 30's) that I existed....................but again that post is for yet another day..................

Well.....here I go.....

I am a thirty-something adoptee, living most of my life in Sydney - now living in Canberra.

Briefly - I was adopted from birth, my adoptive parents already had two bio kids - girl 14 yrs/boy 13 yrs when I was born, and they wanted to adopt a boy sometime after me.
Adoptive father died in helicopter crash days before my 1st b'day - putting a stop to any more adoptions - and a dampener on any possible 1st b'day celebrations...........

For the next 14 years we were a very close family - but when I started to ask too many questions about my bio family - it was made clear to me that it upset my a-mum, and so I became quiet. All in all - and apart from the confusion of "who am I" that reared it's head from time to time - I have many happy memories of my youth.

A nasty step-father (who had always been on the scene) married a-mum when I was 15.
A few messy years followed. (teenage years - what can I say........)
Then a-mum died when I was almost 19 - from breast cancer.

Always have been very close to both my a-sister and a-brother............and have never been treated by them as the "adopted" one. Our love for one-another is unconditional - and I love that they are in my life.

I married my wonderful husband at 21.
At 25 - pregnant with first child - decided that my mum was not coming to find me - so I started my search.
Adoptee dream of "mum only ever having me - and always regretting adoption" shattered - found that I had a sister - born 5 years BEFORE me - also adopted out in Sydney.

After receiving a small amount of info from the Dept of Community Services - and finding a "Veto" on file from my sister towards all "birth-family" - found that I really wasn't ready to find out any more - so buried said info in a file, and "tried to get on with my life".

Fast forward to 2005 - was involved in a rather large car accident - I started to take stock of my life - and realised that more searching was required - and I really had to start acknowledging that there really was a HUGE elephant always standing in my living room - and I had to deal with that which had always been shoved into the "later" pile.

I've found my mum - she married 6 months after my birth (no confirmation if this is my father)(ETA: yes - he is my father!!!), and she has since had 2 sons and another daughter. (all now in their 30's)
I have written more than 7 letters - I have received only 1.
She's not coping well with my finding her - and even after promising to give me some info after 6 months or so - it's been over 18 months since her one and only letter.

I have recently bitten the bullet and written to my 3 siblings - "outing" myself to them as another family member - and although I have heard nothing from them - they have told their parents that I have written. A few weeks ago I received a letter from my mum's husband - stating that she still is not coping very well - but agrees that more contact should be made to me so that I don't feel that I have been totally forgotten.

In the meantime - I at last found my older sister (also adopted) late last year - and had first contact in April this year. That re-union is just GREAT - and I shall write more about that later.
She had NO idea about me - and placing the Veto was purely a knee-jerk reaction when the laws changed in the early 90's.

I have been reading many blogs of late - since I was introduced to the world of BLOG at University this year. (1st year teaching degree - must keep oneself busy so that one doesn't THINK too much about personal matters!!! LOL)
I have decided to try this out - and see where it takes me.
Wish me luck!!!

Thanks for listening.
Cheers,
Poss.
:o)