Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Rejection Hurts More Than Any Word Could EVER Express.

I removed a whole heap of posts about my story - as I was paranoid.
As a searching adoptee I want to put my story out there - but now I've found my family - I'm so scared that any of my words could break the fragile links that I have in place with family I long to know.
I cling onto the hope that I will one day get to know the family that I was separated from soon after birth.
And I'm so so scared that something I do or say will have them closing the door in my face.
Not that the door is wide open.
We're talking about a tiny opening - barely just visible.
But it's not completely closed - you know?!
So I have to cling on to my faith in the goodness inside people - hoping that she'll come around.
Because she hasn't yet.
Her husband - my father - is keeping the door slightly ajar - but she hasn't.
And that hurts SO SO SO SO much.
She doesn't want the kids to have contact with me. My own FULL siblings.
She makes out as if she's protecting them from something horrible.
I can only imagine that that something horrible must be me.
In my head - it's not - IT'S NOT - ME.
It's HER - and her memories and her emotions that she's too damn scared to deal with.
But in the meantime - she hurts ME.
Me - that had no choice in where I wanted to stay.
I wanted to stay with my mother. With my father.
To grow up knowing who I looked like. Who I talked like. Who I acted like.
I wanted to grow up with siblings that looked and acted just like me.
Instead - they discarded ME.

And she's discarding me still.
Apparently I'm not worthy enough to be openly acknowledged.
I'm the reminder of the past.
She can't deal with me.
So she pretends I never happened.

But I did.
I'm here.