Sunday, September 07, 2008

What An Adoptee Wants To Know?

Question on Y!A -

" When and if you met/meet your real mom, what did you want to know?"

Answer by 'almost human' -

"to her i will ask, "what were the circumstances behind my conception, birth, and relinquishment? I want to know the beginning of my story and be able to tell my children about this history, so they may have a stronger link to their heritage."

secretly my heart will be bleeding and i will be asking, "why did you put me in the hands of strangers? why did you not do what it takes to keep me? how could you have a happy day in your life after having given away your flesh and blood?

but all of the above is just a fantasy. there is not even a breadcrumb from which to find my mother, much less ask her any questions.

to know you have been abandoned is the worst feeling in the world. i wish i didn't have to replay this meeting in my head over and over.

i wish this question/pain
didn't exist/didn't need to be asked
to/for/by anyone."

And that - right there - goes to that deep dark place that so many adoptees just don't want to even attempt to go to - ever.
The stuff that adoptees try to keep hidden - from themselves - from their families - from the world.
The stuff that they don't want to say out loud - because they know - deep in their souls - that it will hurt the people they love most - BUT - to keep it hidden - is to have a gaping wound that can never ever be healed.

I think being able to admit such deep feelings can help with the healing of our hurts - instead of always trying to keep everyone else feeling at ease - and keeping our own pain on the backburner.

I thank all of those adoptees that are reaching into their souls - baring all - being honest and open. (you give me strength)

Just maybe some will listen. Those that can help with the healing of past practices - and those that can try to decrease the occurrence of such hurts being made in the future.

Prevention is far easier than trying to heal deep gaping wounds.

Adoptees tell their stories NOT to hurt - but to heal.

I hope that people get that??

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9 Comments:

Blogger KristySearching said...

I get that....

Hugs,
Kristy

7/9/08, 1:59 pm  
Blogger BethGo said...

Me too.

7/9/08, 3:01 pm  
Anonymous almost human said...

Was good to recognize you there, Possum!

I was in an especially dark mood this morning and when I thought about that question hard, that just came out. It messed me up actually, I have been in bed most of the day, going back and reading about it and sobbing a little.

You know, I have few friends IRL and people of course have adoption overload from me. But since my nervous breakdown and recognizing this and abuse as an issue, I feel my life is without purpose if I don't tell people how it feels. I have begun the long process of getting educated about all things adoption and some days, some days I am overflowing with anger. But I'm old now, and I know angry talk doesn't win hearts and minds.

I am finding Yahoo Answers one of the more rewarding things I am doing lately, as it's a place where there is a possibility to change hearts and minds.

I've got little in this world BUT this pain, so it also helps me to share it, even if it makes me have a cry now and then. Telling people how it feels is, to me, the most important way we can get people to stop this madness.

7/9/08, 4:50 pm  
Blogger maybe said...

Thank you, almost human, for sharing this. When I reunited with my son, I asked him if he had any other questions or if there was more info he needed from me. He said I answered all his questions, but I had the distinct feeling there was something he was holding back, something he was afraid to verbalize. I suspect it may have been the most important question of all, the "why" and "how could you."

I hope you are feeling better, you are definitely doing the right thing sharing your story and helping us understand how adoption feels.

8/9/08, 1:08 am  
Blogger Holly said...

You said, "Adoptees tell their stories NOT to hurt - but to heal.

I hope that people get that??"

Oh yeah. More than you know I get it.
Thanks so much, it's just what I really needed to read tonight.

Thx so much Possum :)
Holly

9/9/08, 2:09 pm  
Anonymous Denise said...

Possum,
I don't think a mother who is asked the question "How could you have a happy day in your life after you gave away your flesh and blood?" would be surprised in the least. My son hasn't asked me that, but I have told him the truth of the reality in many other ways, and I will paste here what i commented on a blog last night in regards to the exact same quote. If my son asked me the question “How could you have a happy day in your life after having given away your flesh-and-blood?” I would look him in the eye and answer with the gods honest truth. “I didn’t”. “Every single thing that should have brought me joy, your sisters birth, a healthy baby, a happy marriage, Christmas mornings and birthdays and Easter Egg hunts, walking in the woods or along a beach, simply waking in the morning, all of those things were simply bittersweet, because they did not include you. Every single breath and thought and plan I made was bittersweet and often times pure agony because they did not include you. Your loss was felt every single moment of every single day, I continue to feel the loss of you every day even now that I have you in my life each day. So in answer to your question my sweet beautiful boy, I never did have a happy day in my life after having given away my flesh and blood, and I know for a fact it will be that way from here on in too.” And that is what I would say if my son asked me that question.
In answer to your question Possum, oh yes I get it, I do. I met my own father two months after I lost my son, had I met him two months before, I never would have lost him.

Be well,
Denise

10/9/08, 9:16 am  
OpenID heatherrainbow said...

blessed be to all of you.

11/9/08, 12:11 am  
Blogger Jade said...

i've thought about this a lot. that maybe my daughter won't want to find me because of the abandoment feelings or pain involved. i wish she knew i wanted to keep her and think of her every day. your posts give me much insight, thank you for your candor and courage.

31/10/08, 2:59 pm  
Anonymous JUNE said...

Hi Poss
AN Aussie-ere

Thats so true we do not speak of the hurt because it is so dark and so huge and so cruel to be "given away"

Then there are certain places where you think adult adoptees can speak up and tell the horror, like origins But even they cut you down and be-little you for hangin out the adoptee pain...what is left, when dose the nightmare stop but death

17/11/09, 3:27 pm  

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