More Letters From Me - and - THE Call

I waited well over 18 months.

I wrote over 6-7 letters.

My first reply to my mother's letter was to thank her for responding to my letter and to let her know that of course I'd give her the time she needed.

I also let her know that I believed that she had received a phone call from a "Search Angel" and that I had NOT asked this person to contact on my behalf. I also apologized for any harm that she may have caused. This "Search Angel" - lets forever call her SA (I'll keep to myself what I'd really like to call her.....) - told me, via email, that my mother and her husband had been quite upset by the phone call (mmm - I wonder why), and SA proceeded to say to them, that their information was ALL over the internet for everyone to freely see, and that she had just been trying to help.

Interestingly - not long after all of this - my family tree mysteriously disappeared from the internet - only viewable through contact with the author of said tree. Luckily - I had copied down all important names and dates from my direct lineage (it dates back to the early 1800's when my first ancestor arrived in Australia from England) - and I still have a copy of this today. I have also written my sister and myself into my copy of the tree - together with my children as well. At least a true copy of this tree exists somewhere - even if it is only here with me!!!

I have written many more letters to my mother - some just chatty, with news of my family and I - some a little more heavy, telling her a little more of my feelings and explaining that I had been reading many books and talking to many other mothers and adoptees and asking her again to hopefully find the strength within to answer me.

Again - I received only silence.

My final bid was when I decided to call.

I had resolved to make THE call - to see if I could reach out for contact just one more time. I didn't know if she had received my other letters. I did not know if she just tore them up and placed them in a bin. I did not know if she at least enjoyed hearing about me, my husband and my girls - or whether she hated to see yet another letter in her letter box. (I also did not like Green Eggs and Ham - sorry just had to add a little light hilarity for good measure.............)

I just didn't know - and it hurt - deep deep deep down in my soul.

SO - after weeks and weeks of making the decision to call - I at last sat down one Monday - determined to make the actual call. I must have picked up the phone almost 20 times throughout the day - trying to gain the strength to dial the numbers. I even actually DIALLED them a couple of times - but hung up before it starting ringing.

My husband walked in from work about 5:30pm - and after looking at the angst on my face - immediately enquired "What is wrong??" I explained my attempted bravery to call - together with my apparent utter fear of actually going through with the plan - he then proceeded to state - "I'll just go and change. Then I'll grab a coffee. Then I'll sit beside you, holding your hand, as you make the call."

Right there is the reason why I fell in love with my husband - all over again.

So, WE made the call.

Only to get the answering machine!!! BUT - it was my mother's voice ON the answering machine. For the very first time - I was hearing a message that was SO similar to mine - and a voice that could have been mine. I was rattled to say the least!! So I left a rather vague message, just saying that it was C calling - and could you please return my call on number ___.

I had to call back - putting the phone on speaker - so that my husband could hear what I had heard. The grin on his face said it all - and he hugged me as I finally cried.

With the turmoil that was "my existence" streaming through my head - I decided the next morning to call once more to leave a more coherent message - as I was sure that I sounded like a complete dill. I was alone this time - but bolstered by the fact that I didn't turn into dust after making the last phone calls - and finding the strength from within!!

This time the phone was answered - by her husband.

I was caught a little off guard - but this is what transpired...............................(I wrote this an hour after to a very close friend)

I said: "Hi A, this is C, may I please talk to P"
A: "Who is this?"
Me: "C............I have been writing to P for the last 18 months - do you know who I am?"
A: " Oh.....Yes." (not happy to hear from me - obviously)
Me: "May I please talk with P?" A: "She's not here" Me: "Could you please get her to return my call?"
A:............phone hangs up.................

OK - so I'm shaking by this stage - but decided to call back........bit cranky really..........

A: "Yes...hello"
Me: "It's C again.....please don't hang up on me A".
A: "Oh...what's your phone number again?" fumble fumble for paper and pen.
Me: " 02 6_______"
A: "And what's your mobile....you're ringing from that aren't you?" Obviously they have number recognition - and I threw him off by calling on my mobile.
Me: "041_________"
A: "OK"
Me: "Can you please get P to return my call".
A: "Yes"
Me: "Thank you"
-end of call -
After call - I'm shaking all over - and crying my heart out. Well - as everyone predicted - this is NOT going to work out how I want it too.

Needless to say - once more - I heard nothing. I struggled from within as to call again over the weeks that followed - but I was done.

I had to admit to myself that my mother did not want me in her life (a little wrong - I would find out later...) but for now - I could go down this path no longer. My energy was completely depleted - and my heart-ache just grew and grew. I had to re-group - gain strength - and look at this from another angle.

I had to find another path.........................................................