Wednesday, January 24, 2007

More Letters From Me - and - THE Call

I waited well over 18 months.

I wrote over 6-7 letters.

My first reply to my mother's letter was to thank her for responding to my letter and to let her know that of course I'd give her the time she needed.

I also let her know that I believed that she had received a phone call from a "Search Angel" and that I had NOT asked this person to contact on my behalf. I also apologized for any harm that she may have caused. This "Search Angel" - lets forever call her SA (I'll keep to myself what I'd really like to call her.....) - told me, via email, that my mother and her husband had been quite upset by the phone call (mmm - I wonder why), and SA proceeded to say to them, that their information was ALL over the internet for everyone to freely see, and that she had just been trying to help.

Interestingly - not long after all of this - my family tree mysteriously disappeared from the internet - only viewable through contact with the author of said tree. Luckily - I had copied down all important names and dates from my direct lineage (it dates back to the early 1800's when my first ancestor arrived in Australia from England) - and I still have a copy of this today. I have also written my sister and myself into my copy of the tree - together with my children as well. At least a true copy of this tree exists somewhere - even if it is only here with me!!!

I have written many more letters to my mother - some just chatty, with news of my family and I - some a little more heavy, telling her a little more of my feelings and explaining that I had been reading many books and talking to many other mothers and adoptees and asking her again to hopefully find the strength within to answer me.

Again - I received only silence.

My final bid was when I decided to call.

I had resolved to make THE call - to see if I could reach out for contact just one more time. I didn't know if she had received my other letters. I did not know if she just tore them up and placed them in a bin. I did not know if she at least enjoyed hearing about me, my husband and my girls - or whether she hated to see yet another letter in her letter box. (I also did not like Green Eggs and Ham - sorry just had to add a little light hilarity for good measure.............)

I just didn't know - and it hurt - deep deep deep down in my soul.

SO - after weeks and weeks of making the decision to call - I at last sat down one Monday - determined to make the actual call. I must have picked up the phone almost 20 times throughout the day - trying to gain the strength to dial the numbers. I even actually DIALLED them a couple of times - but hung up before it starting ringing.

My husband walked in from work about 5:30pm - and after looking at the angst on my face - immediately enquired "What is wrong??" I explained my attempted bravery to call - together with my apparent utter fear of actually going through with the plan - he then proceeded to state - "I'll just go and change. Then I'll grab a coffee. Then I'll sit beside you, holding your hand, as you make the call."

Right there is the reason why I fell in love with my husband - all over again.

So, WE made the call.

Only to get the answering machine!!! BUT - it was my mother's voice ON the answering machine. For the very first time - I was hearing a message that was SO similar to mine - and a voice that could have been mine. I was rattled to say the least!! So I left a rather vague message, just saying that it was C calling - and could you please return my call on number ___.

I had to call back - putting the phone on speaker - so that my husband could hear what I had heard. The grin on his face said it all - and he hugged me as I finally cried.

With the turmoil that was "my existence" streaming through my head - I decided the next morning to call once more to leave a more coherent message - as I was sure that I sounded like a complete dill. I was alone this time - but bolstered by the fact that I didn't turn into dust after making the last phone calls - and finding the strength from within!!

This time the phone was answered - by her husband.

I was caught a little off guard - but this is what transpired...............................(I wrote this an hour after to a very close friend)

I said: "Hi A, this is C, may I please talk to P"
A: "Who is this?"
Me: "C............I have been writing to P for the last 18 months - do you know who I am?"
A: " Oh.....Yes." (not happy to hear from me - obviously)
Me: "May I please talk with P?" A: "She's not here" Me: "Could you please get her to return my call?"
A:............phone hangs up.................

OK - so I'm shaking by this stage - but decided to call back........bit cranky really..........

A: "Yes...hello"
Me: "It's C again.....please don't hang up on me A".
A: "Oh...what's your phone number again?" fumble fumble for paper and pen.
Me: " 02 6_______"
A: "And what's your mobile....you're ringing from that aren't you?" Obviously they have number recognition - and I threw him off by calling on my mobile.
Me: "041_________"
A: "OK"
Me: "Can you please get P to return my call".
A: "Yes"
Me: "Thank you"
-end of call -
After call - I'm shaking all over - and crying my heart out. Well - as everyone predicted - this is NOT going to work out how I want it too.


Needless to say - once more - I heard nothing. I struggled from within as to call again over the weeks that followed - but I was done.

I had to admit to myself that my mother did not want me in her life (a little wrong - I would find out later...) but for now - I could go down this path no longer. My energy was completely depleted - and my heart-ache just grew and grew. I had to re-group - gain strength - and look at this from another angle.

I had to find another path.........................................................


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11 Comments:

Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Chez...your blog is captivating. I applaud your courage (and the support of your husband) in making the call. Based on the "hint" you left toward the end of this post, I am guessing your mother's husband (don't know yet if he is your actual father) has been intercepting letters and now this call...and possibly keeping them from her as a form of emotional protection. Just a hunch though.

I can certainly understand how you would feel emotionally depleted after those calls and still silence is all you got back except, you got to hear your mother's voice for the first time! That is pretty much tantamount to listening to a child's heartbeat the first time at a doctor's office. Very exciting!!! I wonder if she actually got to hear the message you left and how she felt?

This post is building up to the ultimate contact...I can feel you wanting to go to her door and knock. That would be my inclination but perhaps I am only projecting my thoughts and feelings cuz you have me peaked.

Very moving Chez! Thanks for sharing. I'd would have been a wreck too. BTW is that you in that picture? Very cute!!!

24/1/07, 4:59 pm  
Blogger kim.kim said...

It annoys me that the searcher went ahead and called your mother without getting your permission first.

It sounds so fearful and closed and I hope they will open up to you. How awful for you.

24/1/07, 11:30 pm  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Chez, Oh this hurts me so much to read! Your husband is clearly a wonderful man to offer support to you and share in the little joy of hearing your mother's voice. I still can't believe that SA did such a disrespectful thing. I must admit part of me wants to scream at you to TYPE FASTER! I want to know what happens? Does it work out? Does she come around? Does A get his head out of his butt and tell P that you called? Did you ask him if he's your father? My firstmother's husband intercepted a letter to my firstmother and boy was she pissed when she found out (even though she was mad at me at the time). While I sit her with a pit in my stomach from reading your blog, I am captivated and look forward to more. Hugs, Rebecca

25/1/07, 3:25 am  
Blogger Paula O. said...

Chez,

I can only imagine the tremendous amount of pain and hurt on that day of the call and all of the days that have followed, and for that, I am truly, truly sorry.

Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping, wishing and praying that she has a change of heart.

Big hugs ((((Chez)))

25/1/07, 2:23 pm  
Blogger Joy said...

Well, I am not your mother, but I have tons of love and compassion for you.

I am sorry she is so trapped in fear.

Fear is the worst thing in the world, it makes bad situations into worse situations.

25/1/07, 8:50 pm  
Blogger Reunited Dan said...

Your search angel story reminds me of a situation that happened here on the Massachusetts Reunion Registry a few years back. There was an older lady who was contacting adoptees claiming to be their birth mother. As you know adoptees are desparate for any contact so she did do some damage. Fortunately, she was discovered fairly quickly but I have no idea why this poor, sick woman would do such a twisted thing.

Your birth mother's request for a specific amount of time and her husband's protective reaction makes me wonder if there is a serious illness or some other problem in her family.

The letter to you is not the letter of someone who has no intention of contact. I still think she wouldn't have responded at all!

But that is me...

25/1/07, 10:12 pm  
Blogger chez said...

Leroy - it's felt so right to be writing this all down at last - quite a healing process - me thinks!!! Interesting that you mention a "knock at the door". I have an adoptee friend living close by - she tragically found a grave stone when she looked for her mother. Together, we often joke that a little "intervention" is needed - and we jokingly plan our journey to my mothers home - knocking - and forcing (gently) her to not run away from the past. Could never really do it - of course - but I can dream!!! Oh - Yes - it is me in the pic - about 4yrs of age (I think) all dressed up for flower girl duties!!
Thanx for being here - and for writing such comforting words. They mean a lot.

KimKim - FEAR is the word. I feel so much of it from her end. Thanx for checking in. xx

Rebecca - thanx so much for the MP3 - and your pic - great to put a face to a name. There's a pic of me with my sister further down in this blog. A very happy meeting with my new sis. Will try to type the next "chapter" soon - but we have Australia Day holiday weekend this weekend - and going away for 3 days to my brother's farm - so you'll have to wait a little longer - sorry!!! I'll be back next week - I promise!!!! xx

Paula - I can feel your hugs through the airways. Thanks for sharing this very bumping ride with me. Hugs. xx

Joy - yep - that FEAR thing just sucks. Thank you for your love and support. It means a great deal to know that I am loved - even out here in cyber-space. Thank you. xx

Dan - deep down - I do feel that you a right. And I will write about some further events next week. I think this big FEAR thing has her literally trapped and totally unable to move forward. I feel so much for her. She, of course, lost 2 daughters to adoption - not just one. She has so much pain. I just hope that she can work through it - and not keep running away from it. Thank you for being here.

25/1/07, 10:52 pm  
Blogger Mia said...

Oh my, now I am waiting, tapping my foot........
Did she eventually talk with you?

I like what Joy said today about the opposite of love not being hate but being fear and living in fear is living a lie. (Sorry if I butchered that Joy) I think living the lie is the cowardly thing to do.
You were very brave to call.

26/1/07, 12:32 pm  
Blogger angel said...

Chez sweetie, you're such a fabulously brave woman to have made those calls. It's such a shame that you can't share your fabulousness with your birthmother just yet. I wish you could. I feel that you would bring your birthmother so much peace, but she can't see that just yet - I think she is just feeling fear and pain at the moment and can't see beyond it.

I ask the ju-ju maker in the sky, with every ounce of hope, that things change for you soon.
It's bad enough that you've felt this pain during your lifetime, let alone to have to endure it again when you reach out.

My sister isn't allowed any contact with her biological family. One particular sibling said "under no circumstances whatsoever do I want any contact". I feel that having some form of contact with your family gives you the hope that one day things will change.

What do your biological siblings have to say about this?

Big hugs for you..

alexoxo

29/1/07, 2:47 pm  
Blogger Mama Drama Jenny said...

Looks like what you lacked in a mother you made up for in a husband. What a compassionate, supportive man.

I'm utterly captivated by your story and your strength.

31/1/07, 1:59 am  
Blogger melanie said...

I'm just catching up with your story. Wow, you have been through a lot.

I'm especially upset about that search angel actually contacting your b-family, I search for and would never ever make contact with b-family. I just give them the info and let them decide what they want to do. It's not my place to do anymore than that.

I understand about the whole family tree disappearing, it happened to me too. I wasn't denied contact, but some b-family members were not thrilled. It does truly surprise me they didn't think I'd be smart enough to save it. Duh.

Anyway, I'm Addie Pray, for some reason google isn'tletting me sign in.

31/1/07, 8:03 am  

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