Monday, January 22, 2007

The Reply From My Mother

A couple of weeks after sending THE letter, see this posting below, I received, at last, the letter that I'd been waiting for.

It was a letter from my own real non fairy-tale mother - something I'd longed for my entire life.

It's contents weren't all that I'd hoped for, by a long shot, and I'm sure that if there had been no other interference from self professed "Search Angels", the outcome may have been so very different - but it was first contact, none the less, from the woman that I had so longed to know.

Letter contents were as follows:

Dear C,

I have received your letter, and am pleased to learn that you have had such a happy and productive life, and am proud of your achievements.

However, your recent communications have thrown my life into complete turmoil and I now need time to try to work through all of this. Due to this, I would sincerely ask for your patience and understanding for a further 6 months or so, especially as I have a large number of personal and important commitments to undertake during that time, which need my undivided attention.

My husband, and now, of necessity, my counselor, are the only two people who know all this information, so I sincerely ask you to respect my heartfelt wishes, and do not in any way, contact, or attempt to contact, anyone in my family in the meantime please.

I realize you are wanting more information, but in the meantime, I hope you can try to understand my situation, and please be patient.

Kindest regards,

This letter was dated 28th April 2005 - and I have not heard from her, directly, since.

I have written another 6 letters to her - including my letter to her about finding her first daughter, my sister, J in April 2006 - and advising that J was not going to pop up out of the blue as I had, into her life.

The silence from her end has been deafening.

So in November 2006 - after 18 months of pouring my heart out to her - so very gently - I decided to let it be known, directly, to my other siblings (her kept children - all now in their 30's) that I existed....................but again that post is for yet another day..................

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Blogger Joy said...

oh this touches something so deep in me.

22/1/07, 7:01 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

For the life of me, I have a difficult time understanding why a parent(s) would not want to have contact with a child of theirs - no matter their current circumstances. Your mother has told her husband and a counselor. What more is there to do other than pick the phone up and call you? I think this is the "parental" thing to do! NO one, and I mean - NO ONE stops being the parent just because of separation.

While kids owe their parents nothing, parents "owe" their kids everything to ensure their needs are met. And at the very least, I think your mother owes you an explanation and some attention. I think her intent is to keep that door between you shut, bolted, welded and reinforced so she doesn't have to deal with a decision she made a long time ago. I think that sucks quite frankly.

I hope your siblings were more communicative and understanding. I look forward to their response in a future post. Thanks so much for sharing Chez! It evoked an emotional response from me to be sure.

22/1/07, 10:58 pm  
Blogger suz said...

wow. i always get this crazy feeling when i read stuff like this. i can understand, of course, to some degree your mothers perspective and then i understand (perhaps more so) you needs and desires.

i personally found your moms letter to be open, candid, honest. while it may have been hurtful and not what you wanted, it sounded pretty reasonable. however, on the six month mark, i would have pestered her again. i did not really feel a huge push away..but a request for time. but thats me..i can totally see an adoptee interpreting it differently.

i find myself wondering how she responded to you contacting your remaining family without her "permission". (and I am not suggesting you need it). i wonder if it made her freak out.

from your perspective, only in reverse, i completely understand the desire, the disappointment, etc.

it always seems that one party in the reunion is stronger, more ready than the other. sigh.

23/1/07, 2:22 am  
Blogger actonb said...

Chez, this is pretty heart-felt stuff - thanks for sharing it with us.
I have so many friends who are adopted, and they all deal with it in such different ways - from the refusal to contact their birth mother, to the jumping in wholeheartedly to a new family. It's all about personalities I guess. And the strength of the adoptive family. In my experience at least.
But I'm so impatient, I would not have given her 18 months to respond! That's very gracious and loving of you, and your mother should appreciate that, and understand that nothing can be so important that you should be kept in lombo for as long as you have been.

23/1/07, 9:37 am  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Chez...I understand your mom wanting some time to sort things out now that you wanted to have contact with her. What I don't understand is why, after you respected her wishes, she didn't make any contact whatsoever. That I have a difficult time grappling with. I think saying something would have been better than nothing...just my opinion/feeling.

23/1/07, 12:12 pm  
Blogger Paula O. said...

Oh, Chez. I cried when I read your letter. I can only imagine what she might have been feeling and please know that I do respect her feelings, but the child in me wanted so badly to see her words read differently.

Adoption is so hard. Please know that I am sending big hugs to you.

23/1/07, 3:24 pm  
Blogger Mia said...

Hmmmm. The personality displayed in this letter sounds frighteningly familiar to my own reunion story. After waiting several months for the proverbial change of heart I too decided to have the state appointed intermediary contact my sibs. (I had no choice there, my records are still sealed up tight as a drum.)
It is a hard decision to make isn't it? From the other end I guess they are thinking we are just too impatient but honestly I think natural mothers such as ours would stay hidden away forever if they could. Some time to adjust to the idea is both understandable and even healthy. However, I don't think an adjustment period is what my mother and yours are after, I think it is time to see if "it" will all just go away.
I'm so sorry you had to feel this rejection too. SO sorry. It probably won't make you feel much better but you are not alone.

24/1/07, 12:50 am  
Blogger Rebecca said...

How can she need time to prepare? Hasn't she been waiting everyday with bated breath for your return? I can't imagine what I would've done if a letter hadn't been waiting for me at the agency. Not to be totally negative, your mum did a good job establishing her boundaries and was polite. While it wasn't what you were hoping for, I am encouraged by the possibilities. Many hugs, Rebecca

24/1/07, 10:57 am  
Blogger angel said...

I don't know how I would have felt if my birthmum didn't react with such open arms. I wish I had magical powers and could change this for you, and others - so that your pain would go away.

But instead I can only offer you some hugs and to be here to listen whenever you need.

What I find amazing about you Chez, is that you put your own feelings to the side to share happiness with others who have been given these things, which you can only dream about at the moment. I sincerely hope your dreams come true in the future.


24/1/07, 1:30 pm  
Blogger chez said...

Joy - again - lovely to see you as always.

Leroy - I'm really enjoying having you along for my ride!!! Thank you.I constantly look into my gorgeous 3 daughters' eyes - and can't fathom why my own mother doesn't want to see me. Sucks - is the word!!

Suz - "freak out" is very close to the word in regards to my attempt at contacting my sibs - but you'll have to wait - oooo - a cliffhanger!!!! sorry. But I do thankyou for your words and your blog - as you justify my feelings of WHY?????

Actonb - thank you so much for dropping in and saying hi. A much more sombre blog here - I'm sure you'll agree - but it's what I really must write about - as it is what is consuming ALL of me right now. I have always been too scared to write about - or talk about - that which is so much a part of me. I am at last finding my voice - and I appreciate being heard. Again - thank you for coming here.

Paula - thanks so much for the hugs. I can never have enough of those. I've been crying a little when I've been writing all this - but it has been a some time now - and I feel a little removed from the immediate pain. Perhaps I need me some major crying time once more - but I so want to hold it together for my girls. This writing is certainly good for my soul!!!!

Mia - your words do help - in so many ways. I too have felt at times that my mother just wants it all to go away. Remembering that she has lost 2 daughters to adoption - she is in - I have no doubt - a great deal of pain. But - I just want to stamp my feet at times and say - WHAT ABOUT ME?????? Thank you for walking beside me and making it known that I am not alone.

Rebecca - thanks also for the hugs. Yes - why was she not just waiting for me to contact her - with open arms??? These have often been my thoughts during this journey. Thanks for being here.

Alex - you made this wee girl cry!! Thanks for your message. I felt your arms wrap around me. Something I really needed - at that exact moment! I draw hope from others who are having more luck in their searches and reunions - and I ask my angels often to please take care of my first mother - and to give her the strength she needs to grab my hand. Maybe ask your angels for help for me also!!!! Thanks hun.

Loads of hugs to you all!!
Your generosity of spirit has lifted me today - and I am truly grateful to have been touched (thru cyber-space) by you all.

24/1/07, 4:33 pm  

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