Wednesday, April 11, 2007

'Lil Possum Rant

WARNING - don't read on if you want to feel happy about adoption today.

'Lil Possum wants to speak today - and it's not going to be pretty.

I'm angry that my mother gave me away.

I'm angry that those around her didn't give her the strength and support she needed to keep the child that belonged to her.

I'm angry that my mother married 6 months after my birth (maybe to my father).

I'm angry that she then had 3 more children - that she kept.

I'm angry that I don't even figure in her equation any more.

I'm angry that she had my sister J - 5 years before me - and also gave her away.

I'm angry that she didn't learn from the first time.

I'm angry that I didn't get to grow up in the big family that it should have been.

I'm angry that my a-mother couldn't have any more children of her own, and then at 38 decided that it was time to adopt some more children - to be known as her own.

I'm angry that she expected me to be the same as her other biological children - and then when I didn't comply - it was all my fault - and not her own.

I'm angry that my a-father died just before my first birthday - and really screwed up my party plans.

I'm angry that my a-mother wouldn't allow me to ask questions about my first mother - because it hurt HER too much.

I'm angry that she didn't recognize how much I was hurting inside - and that she didn't even try to sooth my aching soul.

I'm angry at my a-mother for dying when I was 18 - and not allowing me to have an adult relationship with her.

I'm angry that my a-mother didn't get to meet my great husband and my gorgeous kids.

I'm angry that when I found my first mother - she froze - and refused to welcome me with open arms.

I'm angry that my first mother didn't WANT to meet me, my great husband or my gorgeous kids.

I'm angry that when I contacted my other 3 siblings - they didn't have the guts to contact me themselves - and try to get to know me for me - instead telling my first mother that I contacted them - and then in turn making her angry at me - probably for ever existing.

I'm angry with me - for being the stubborn little shit that I am - and not giving up on finding out the information that I stupidly thought I was entitled to.

I'm angry with me - for being the selfish, ingrate that I have turned out to be.

I'm sad.........................................................................


Possum Disclaimer - don't dare comment unless you want to show me love - cause right now - that's what this sad little Possum needs most in the world. (or I'll just have to be angry at you too)

I've read enough - talked enough - done therapy enough (well - I could always use more therapy!!) - to know that life CAN and DOES suck at times - but today - I just want to voice my objection to it all - cause - damn it - I CAN.

21 Comments:

Blogger Erin said...

((((Possum))))

I'm sorry. I wish I could hug you in person :-(

Praying for you tonight :-(

11/4/07, 12:33 pm  
Blogger angel said...

Oh, my sweet Lil' Possum...

This is grossly unfair.

I am angry for you and me, and everyone else who has to suffer these feelings on a daily basis.

I have a few of the same 'angry' reasons as you, and its a huge battle at times to 'be okay' with them. (Or at least putting up that front, of being ok when really it is far from how you're really feeling).

Completely crap.

It's good to vent and let it out. You are welcome to vent to me anytime you like Bella, I understand.

Love and cuddles galore xx

11/4/07, 1:52 pm  
Blogger ani said...

oh sweetie I will stand and be angry right there with you,

much love coming your way. It is so hard and overwhelming at times it just feels like something is on top of your chest sqeezing the life and breath right out of your body. And no matter how hard you try you just can not get ahold of that air that will stengthen you.

Love ya, ani

11/4/07, 2:03 pm  
Anonymous joy from end of the road said...

Thank you for your anger post. Why thank you? Because I have a lot of anger too and it is so hard to let it out. And to hear you vent helps me to be okay (a little bit more) with my anger.

I wish you didn't have reasons to be angry.

Btw, hi. I'm delurking here. I've been reading your blog for a bit. :)

One thing, though. Try to be kind to yourself, a little less angry to you. I say this because I get so freaking angry at me and I need this advice! (you think I'll take my own advice...maybe soon!) I don't think your are selfish at all. You're going through growing pains with all of your family issues. ((((Possum)))

Take care of YOU. You deserve to.

11/4/07, 2:09 pm  
Anonymous Fee said...

Coffee, my friend?????

Anger is good, we could all do with letting it out more often. Frankly, it is not spoken of enough.

All I can tell you is you manage to make my life a little brighter and all those who come in contact with you seem to agree.

Thank you for being a part of it.
Love Fee

11/4/07, 10:19 pm  
Blogger Possum said...

Erin - thank you - I feel your cyber hugs - thanks for sending them my way.

Alex - thanks for the love my friend. It felt awfully good to actually voice the pain - rather liberating I feel. This blog has made me more confident. It's been a good thing.

Ani - gorgeous girl - thank you so much for dropping in. Yeah - the chest squeezing was getting a little intense - but this post helped to release the pressure a little!! Thank you.

Joy from the end of the road - thank you for de-lurking. It's a pleasure to meet you - although I'm sorry you've found me in such a cranky state!!! But you're right - it felt GREAT getting that stuff off my chest - cause it's been buried for quite some time. It's like I kept skirting around the main issues - and I just had to shout them out!! Don't be a stranger any longer!! Thanks for popping in.

Fee - oh my dearest dearest Fee - coffee sounds incredibly good my friend. You made me cry - you bugger. But thank you for picking me up and dusting me off when I fall!! How's Friday arvo looking for you??????

11/4/07, 10:39 pm  
Blogger juliaNY07 said...

Hey there,

Good to see angry, good to see you spilling it. I am angry with them too and sad and cry for you. I miss you and wish I could be with you. I am sad too because I know you and your family and I know what your bfamily is missing, she should know the pain you feel. It will be ok, I believe in you.

12/4/07, 1:22 am  
Anonymous Jessie said...

(((((((((Possum)))))))))))))
Sending you the biggest hug thoughts I can possibly muster!!!

It is all just so unfair isn't it??? Everything! And look at all you have had to go through. Your bmom is a big turd for not wanting to know you!

I share quite a few of your I'm Angry at... as well... you really did a great job with that! I think we are all a bit angry!

Just keep writing! Im thinking of you, and hoping something goes well on your end soon!

Hug yourself... right this instant... just for being you, because you are great despite what ever sucks right now!!!
Love
Jessie

12/4/07, 3:49 am  
Anonymous Paula O. said...

(((((Possum)))) I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this - all of this adoption stuff that the outside world just can't seem to understand, can't validate or won't listen to because it makes them too uncomfortable to think about for more than 5 seconds.

I'm so glad you are sharing this with us and giving yourself that outlet to help release part of the weight and the enormity of it all.

Good for you for honoring your TRUE, authentic self and expressing your real feelings so openly. You deserve that. You are entitled to that: to be your beautiful self in your whole totality and to speak what is truly inside of you.

Sending HUGE hugs, many prayers, much love and comforting and healing thoughts your way. I'll be thinking of you, Poss.

12/4/07, 5:29 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

I'm angry for you. I'm angry at all of it.

And I'm sad for you too. All of it makes me just as sad as it does angry.

Sometimes I find the angry days easier to deal with than the sad days. Then other times, it's vice versa.

I'm sorry.
Many, many, many hugs

12/4/07, 6:31 am  
Blogger Andie D. said...

You are NOT selfish or an ingrate because you want to know the information about yourself that most people take for granted. That you want to know your biological family. That you have anger.

Your anger is JUSTIFIED. You had no choice in your relinquishment or adoption. Now you don't even have a choice to know your roots.

SHIT!

I'm angry FOR you Poss!

12/4/07, 7:08 am  
Blogger Going Back to Square One said...

You've been such a sweet Lil Possum for me lately, how could I not send some love your way, sweet marsupial?

Oh, go ahead and rage away. Flip 'em the bird. Tell 'em to go to hell. Then send a PI after 'em to dig in their trash and write you a report about the inner workings of their private lifes.

YOU ARE ENTITLED. IT'S YOUR LIFE, TOO.

Smooches,
Jen

12/4/07, 10:44 am  
Blogger Third Mom said...

Possum, sending a great big (((((hug))))).

You have every right to be angry about the things you list here - it's a litany of all the things about adoption that shouldn't be.

Anytime you need to vent, vent here because there are many people here ready to support you.

12/4/07, 10:46 am  
Blogger Being Me said...

{{{{{{{{POSSUM}}}}}}}}}

Yeah. i be angry too.

But you do it so nice!?!

DON'T be angry at you, please. Be gentle with you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{POSSUM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

12/4/07, 11:19 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Julia, Jessie, Paula, Theresa, Andie, Jen, J - WOW - thanks for popping in and taking the time to send me some huggin'.
It felt bloody good to spill the angry beans.
DAMN GOOD.
Good for the soul - me thinks.
Thank you so much for all your loving thoughts. I've felt them - deep deep down in my soul.
Poss. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

12/4/07, 6:58 pm  
Anonymous mia said...

(((((((((((((((Possum))))))))))))))))

I hear ya' sister.

13/4/07, 1:53 am  
Blogger momseekingpeace said...

You have every right to be angry and expressing it is the best way to get to the other side of it.

MSP

13/4/07, 4:16 am  
Blogger MomEtc. said...

I don't blame you for being freaking livid. You got shortchanged all over the place....and then some bad luck got added on top of that too with people dropping dead on you.

Treat yourself WELL! It sounds like your husband and kids are great!...hold them extra tight! You deserve for the rest of your life to be extra-wonderful.

13/4/07, 9:00 am  
Blogger Julie said...

((((((Possum))))))

I hear you. I hear every. single. word. And I understand and empathize with all of them, relate to most.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry ANY of us has to feel this way.

13/4/07, 10:28 am  
Blogger Nina said...

Lil Possum deserves some Big Ranting Privileges...you get a free pass to do so anytime! In my view, you simply listed the sad facts. Reality. It's much better if you're able to dig up all this stuff and articulate it clearly so you can truly know what you're feeling...and what you've had to endure. You've tolerated so much rejection from such key people that it just goes to show how strong you really are, although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way. Heard an old Kurt Vonnegut interview yesterday. He had a tragic life (mother committed suicide, prisoner of war, firebombing of Dresden) and he said he sometimes didn't know when he was happy until someone pointed out that they were sitting outside in the sunshine drinking tea and relaxing and if that moment wasn't happiness what was? So...happiness is a sexy haircut and darling little girls jumping up and down and wanting one like Mommy, too! But we can't experience those moments unless we can feel angry, too!

14/4/07, 3:29 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Mia, MSP, Mometc, Julie, Nina - and dearest Margie (who I missed mentioning in my last comment...sorry Margie).....thank you all for you very very kind words.
Venting = good.
Thank you all for your support of THE VENT!!!
Huggles to you all.
Poss. xx

30/4/07, 11:58 pm  

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