Monday, April 02, 2007

Hit The Wall

Today - I hit the wall.

I wanted to curl in a ball and make it all go away.

I just wanted the hurt to all FRICK OFF at last.

I was ready to write A an email to say - forget it all - I'm throwing in the towel.

It's been two - long - frustrating - roller-coaster-ish - soul destroying (at times) - incredible - years.

Regularly, I'm scared that my husband will pack up and run screaming, arms flying, down the street and away from me forever. (damn it - I would if I were him....)

He promises me that he won't.

When I burst into tears today - ready to turn my back on all this bullshit - he smiled at me - held my face in his big warm hands - and said - "Honey - it's all OK - the last email was GREAT - it's all going to be fine - you can make it for many many more days".

He always knows the right thing to say. (thank you Universe for my fantastic husband)

My amazing girlfriend - 'smiffette' - and I had a wee phone convo this evening. She's another that always manages to call, at just the right time, and sooth my aching soul.

Smiffette reminded me that I had come way too far to walk away now. (thank you Universe for my ever patient amazing friends)

She's right you know. I have come way too far.

Major milestones - that eerily centre around the month of April........................

In April 2005 - I found my first mum and wrote her my first letter.
Outcome - eternal limbo.

In April 2006 - I found my bio-sister J - also an adoptee.
Outcome - WOW - what a ride. (we talk for 3 plus hours every other week)

In April 2007 - have I found my first dad?????
Outcome - the wait goes on...........................

There has been SO much more, of course, in between. The eternal turmoil within my soul. The way in which information found it's way to me. The constant writing - to try to be heard. The discovery of Blog-land - and the other's that share so much of what I feel. (thank you Universe for my wonderful Blogging friends)

So, for now, I'm OK.

I'm exhausted by the recent events - but I am OK.

Today I just had to curl into a ball (Possum's do that at times you know!) - have a good cry - then - as if by Universal design - and with the help of those that truly love me - I was able to shake it off for another day - and start to breathe again.

Thank you Universe for looking after me today.

25 Comments:

Blogger Going Back to Square One said...

(((((((((((POSS))))))))))))

3/4/07, 12:12 am  
Anonymous Paula O. said...

Sending hugs to you, Poss. You are a person that has touched my heart with your beautiful, kind and endless giving spirit. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for continued strength for you. You are SO strong, Poss. So very, very strong. (((((Poss))))

3/4/07, 1:52 am  
Blogger Suzanne said...

Such a long journey. Sounds silly but my friends used to call eachother jackets and shoes. A jacket on a journey envelopes you from the storm - protects and keeps you warm...shoes make it a lot less painful to travel whatever distance through various terrians or situations. Friends (and husbands) seem to be intuitive to the times when we push them away and try to give up on the journey. They come that much closer and help us on.

I've been in a rocky reunion for 10 years now and get to meet my birthgrandmother next month for the first time...

I'm praying for peace in the journey. Not the kind of peace that answers all the questions (I think that is too idealistic) but the kind of peace that arms us with the fact that we have had courage before and can arm ourselves again.

((((Possum))))))

3/4/07, 2:49 am  
Anonymous Jessie said...

Oh Poss, you can so do this!!!
I feel the same way sometimes about reunion, I know mine seems all happy and dandy but all of this is so hard. And there are many things I don't say. I feel like throwing in the towel and saying F it all... but that wouldn't accomplish anything.
You can do this, you can keep going. Its ok to fall apart sometimes!! Its so hard, but you are so strong.
I have a feeling all this fighting will be worth it in the end.
Hugs to you
((((((possum))))))
Thinking of you

3/4/07, 3:32 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

I think it's a crying kind of day all around. Your journey of the past two years is incredible, as is your strength. I'm sorry today is a tough one for you.

3/4/07, 3:45 am  
Blogger Lillie said...

((Possum))

Hang in there sweets, I know it's tough. I've been waiting for b-mom to come around for 10 years and soooo many times have I felt like throwing in the towel and forgetting about it! But, I soldier on. There's got to be something worth fighting for, right??

Thinking of you!!

Hugs, Lillie

3/4/07, 4:00 am  
Blogger suz said...

must be in the air. the post i wrote last night but did not yet publish was about when, if, ever moms give up? what do we do when we are in reunion and we get no contact? can we ever leave them again (even if they tell us to screw off?). How do we manage that? So yeah, same story, different side of the fence. Maybe I should publish that post.

3/4/07, 5:11 am  
Blogger ani said...

Possum,,, I know how hard it is,,

hugs, you are so much stronger then you know.

We all have to be in this,, how else would we ever be brave enough to even attempt to reunite with our families, it can be very scary to put yourself out there wondering if you will be turned away.

that is a very scary thing,, it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, it is normal to want to retreat to safety but where is that really. I dont know myself,

I would give you a big hug if I could, so all I can offer is understanding and a cyber hug,,

hugs, ani

3/4/07, 5:44 am  
Blogger abebech said...

How could you NOT need to curl up? So wonderful that you are so supported here and in real life -- you've been on such an intense journey. Wishing you all the best on the way.

3/4/07, 9:20 am  
Blogger angel said...

Sweetie, I hear you loud and clear.

You've had that damn carrot dangling for much longer than I have, so I can only imagine how the constant holding yourself together would wear you down every now and then. Hang in there babe.

I am sending a wish to the universe for you... I'm sure you can guess what it might be!

take care, I'm v hopeful that things will be brighter for you very soon.

hugs hugs hugs x x

3/4/07, 9:22 am  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Please don't give up. Think about what you'd be missing if you'd given up in March of 06...no sister? HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT HER? Just keep going one day at a time. You always put yourself out there to give hugs to everyone else...you just need to take some time to get some in return. I am so proud of you for balancing adopteehood, motherhood, wifehood, studenthood and womanhood all at the same time. I admire you. Take the time you need, we'll be here waiting. Love and hugs, Rebecca

3/4/07, 1:33 pm  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I'm just catching up here. My stomach is in knots just reading about what you are going through.

Sending big hugs, the biggest to you. {{{{Poss}}}

Sometimes there is nothing you can do better than to curl up in a ball.

I'm so sorry. It is just gut wrenching.

Sending you my very best wishes.

3/4/07, 2:50 pm  
Blogger juliaNY07 said...

I have a story it is one of my favourites, not a possum but a wombat, who curls into a ball so "no one can see me becasue I'm so small" one day when he is lost, he curls into a ball and his mum comes to find him...She WILL be here Possum, I just know it. Hang in there and believe. I believe in you!

4/4/07, 10:45 am  
Blogger Third Mom said...

Sending hugs, Possum. This is just so damned hard for you, for all adoptees, for first parents. All around hard.

I hope knowing that the folks out here are pulling for you helps a little :)

4/4/07, 12:24 pm  
Blogger Julie said...

Well DUH it was a full moon last night. A bit more waning and we'll all be right as rain again.

Ah ((((((Possum)))))) you are a gifted survivor. I am still wishing you all good things. You've earned them.

4/4/07, 4:49 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

There will be days like this Poss even in the future. I wish I could tell there would never be bad days again. Just when you think its smooth sailing, there is a storm on the horizon that blows in suddenly. All a person can really do is weather it and hope for sunnier days ahead...and there will be.

We, the colorful people in your life, can hopefully be somewhat of a rainbow for you...if I could only change my font color, I'd give you one right now!

So best I can do is just give you a rainbow (hug)...hang in there Poss!

4/4/07, 9:42 pm  
Blogger Andie D. said...

I've been through that "Eff it all - I QUIT!" feeling before. It's rough. The not knowing is the hardest part! I hate it. I hate what it's done to so many of us.

It will get better. It has to.

{{{hugs}}}

5/4/07, 12:38 am  
Anonymous bijou said...

Hugs Possum,
as you know Im right there with you. Nothing to be ashamed of, and please dont give up. I have hope for you. I'm having a curl up in a ball year myself.
xoxoxo
bijou

5/4/07, 5:48 am  
Blogger Erin said...

I'm sorry :-(

Sending you much love!

5/4/07, 6:28 am  
Blogger angel said...

Sweet,

I wanted to send my best wishes to you for a very happy easter.

I hope you enjoy a peaceful, relaxed long weekend and are not worrying about everything. It would be extra great if A contacts you over the next few days, I will keep my fingers crossed for this.

i'll be thinking of you my friend.

alexoxoxoxoxo

5/4/07, 1:40 pm  
Blogger Being Me said...

Just more hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugshugshugshugs

6/4/07, 5:46 am  
Anonymous quinn said...

hey there Possum...* hugs* ..I know exactly how you are feeling having been up and down the rollercoaster of finding , reunions, and battles.
The only advice I have is that only you will know when or how much you can put up with and where to draw lines etc.

I had my reunion over 17 years ago and to this day even though I now have nothing more than a glimmer of communication the roller coaster is still roaring up and down inside me.
Yet I never for one moment regret knowing, the answers I have will have to serve me. I would take my roller coaster road any day of the week rather than not know at all.
( and I really hate roller coasters).
You are so lucky to have the love and support of your hubby and friends and family. All the best.

9/4/07, 6:32 am  
Blogger momseekingpeace said...

What a lovely husband, I am glad you have him to carry you through.
MSP

10/4/07, 2:19 am  
Anonymous kim.kim said...

Your husband is a sweetie. I'm so glad you have good people around you to cope with all this uncertainty. It can't be easy feeling like you just don't know where you stand.

I am glad you have a good connection with your sister too. Sending you lots of love.

10/4/07, 7:16 am  
Blogger Possum said...

WOW - I am completely humbled by all of you.
Thank you for reaching out and sending me support the way that you have.
It helps - it truly does help.
Thank you.
Poss. xxxxxxxx

11/4/07, 10:11 pm  

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