Saturday, April 28, 2007

An Upgrade And Some Growing Up

Well - Welcome to my updated digs!!

A VERY talented lady, by the name of Chesty LaRue, designed this wonderful template for me - and yes - those pics are of a younger - more angelic - me!!!

When I found and scanned in these photos, I was thinking about how happy I looked in them - and it made me think a lot about my youth.
Yes, I had a wonderful childhood. I was surrounded by oodles of love. It was mostly all good.

So why the unhappiness at times in my blog??

I am happy outside of this blog - but this is my place to dump.

This is where I have thankfully found others that travel this sad & rough road of displacement that I feel.
I was taken from my family - apparently for my own good. But I was never asked my opinion.
I was never asked if I would mind.
I was just made to feel grateful - and told to be happy with the life that was changed forever by a decision that was not one of my own.

I've heard many comments of late about 'angry adoptees'. Comments that often say that those of us that outwardly show our anger, either in our words or in our actions - MUST have had a horrible childhood - or a horrible adoption experience.

But there are more and more of us turning up in blog-land...........and many of our stories have a similar 'ring' to them. Themes and experiences that are too alike to dismiss.
Adoptees that live all over the world, that are rejoicing in the knowledge that we are not freaks. We are not alone in the feelings we feel.
Some lives that have been less fortunate than others (the only pool I got was the one shown up the top!!!), while some have had all that they should want - and more.

But there lies my point - SHOULD.

Often, we are asked to justify our discontent - when we obviously received many things that others would have only dreamed about.
(I'd be rich if I was payed a dollar for every time I heard "I wish I was adopted" from yet another unsuspecting soul.)
We had parents who wanted us more than they could bare.
We were given material possessions, good educations, overseas holidays, and enough love to fill endless container loads.
But that love was/is so often given with conditions - in secret, small, unreadable ink.
Conditions that are just a secret adoption thing.
Conditions that 'real' children mostly are never made to feel.
Conditions we, as the baby, were never explicitly told, let alone agreed to - ones that held us tight till the end of our days.
Conditions that spoke of adoptees being ungrateful if they didn't praise their parents for saving them from the unknown.
Conditions that never allow the adoptee to grow up and have opinions of their own.

We were often adopted to fill a need. Adopted because our parents couldn't become parents in the normal, easy way.
Most adoptive parents have to jump through hoops - they say - just to bestow their lives on a little one that is deemed less fortunate than themselves. But how dare they say that their lives are better than another's - just because they say??

What of the amazing acrobatics that we adoptees have to perform to keep pleasing everybody - as we live in constant fear that those that we care for will leave us without notice.
Damn - we even try to please those we barely know - because we've been instructed by everyone in society to be forever grateful for whatever is bestowed upon us.

The truth - our heritage, our family, our kin - have been ripped from us. We do not have those that will mirror our very being. We will always be made to feel the freak.
Yet we have to be thankful for all time that it was done in our best interest?!

Sadly adoptees seem to be always classed as the 'child' - a minor - that should just shut up - be quiet - be grateful - sit down.
We seem to never grow up in people's eyes. Our opinion is often simply pushed aside, as crazy, or uneducated, or just plain worthless and taking up time.

Well, I'm now all grown up and thinking for myself. And I'm now forming opinions which are my own. I'm taking my first tentative steps into finding out what I do and don't like. And I think that I have a right to be heard.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion (even us ungrateful adoptees) - don't dismiss mine just because it doesn't fit nicely with your own.

To all those that encourage and assist me - thank you. You inspire me - and give me strength - to carry on in my search - both for my family - and for my self.

Poss. xx

Updated to add - PLEASE go and read this - 'Relinquishment vs Adoption' - over at 'Paragraphein'. It's a really good post.


Blogger Biby Cletus said...

Nice post, its a really cool blog that you have here, keep up the good work, will be back.

Warm Regards

Biby Cletus - Blog

28/4/07, 9:52 pm  
Anonymous Jessie said...

O M G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, seriously I was just nodding my head in agreement through this whole thing. The entire whole thing.
Which is scary to think about because SOOO many adoptees feel so simalarly about things, you would think people would get a clue.
You wrote this SOOOOO well, so well. I am linking it, because I just couldn't have said it better.
Couldn't have.
Thanks Poss, you are awesome!

29/4/07, 12:22 am  
Anonymous Jessie said...

Oh, I love your new look btw... its really nice!

29/4/07, 12:23 am  
Blogger suz said...

love the new loook.

and i agree completely with all you have said and try my best to validate and honor the feelings of adoptees - my daughter included.

the thing that hit me most is that how people think that those of us who blog our sadness are angry, bitter, deranged types. puhlease. as you said, its my only place to say what i feel. my safe place were people dont tell me to get over it, shut up, stop being so dramatic.


29/4/07, 12:45 am  
Blogger BethGo said...

Very nice blog, Possum. And very nice post.

29/4/07, 1:41 am  
Blogger Aurelia said...

Ooooh, I love the new blog design, ab fab as they say.

As for your post, Four Star! I agree completely. I've been trying to do this or something like it for ages and couldn't get it out.

And wonderful link to Paragraphein to, thanks!

29/4/07, 1:47 am  
Blogger Erika said...

right on possum!! you've clearly put it into words what others need to hear. our blogs are making a difference by challenging and breaking these myths.
i like the new layout too.

29/4/07, 2:22 am  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Nice look Poss! I especially love the pics of you in your younger years. When were those taken? About 20 years ago? :))

Even though I am not an adoptee, your post is very consistent with what I have read from others. I actually believe adoptees that have "come out" and are doing self-discovery work very amazing...You are all pretty insightful, creative and articulate! I'd give you all blogger awards if I could!!!

29/4/07, 3:12 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

oooOOOooo LOVE the new look. I've been struggling with building my new header graphic because I'm not artistic; I may give your friend a yell.

You're so right. Because we're not visibly bleeding in our daily lives then adoption must be all hunky dory. But when we set up blogs or groups and complain about adoption madness, then we're bitter hateful people. We can't win.

This was so, so, good

29/4/07, 4:23 am  
Anonymous Julia said...

Well said. Very very well said!

29/4/07, 8:33 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Biby - mmm - thanks. (is this my first official spam??)

Jessie - thanks gorgeous girl. I often nod my head when I'm reading your blog also. Think we're in a mutual head nodding club!! Hugs. xx

Suz - it's been very liberating for me to find this place to vent - and to find validation for things I've felt. I'm glad I met you here!!

Bethgo - thank you dear friend. I'm glad you like my updated premises!! (and my post!!)

Aurelia - thank you so much for dropping in and commenting. It's nice to see you here.

Erika - thanks also for popping in. I do hope that our voices do make a collective difference.

Leroy - it's great to have you here in blog-land. I appreciate your presence greatly. (and the 20year comment - oh - of course - thank you!!!)

Theresa - You can only but try to ask Chesty for some template help. Drop by her blog and drop her an email. She's very creative and a pleasure to communicate with. She's also pretty straight about if she can or can't help(due to working commitments).

Julia - thanks for dropping in, my faraway friend. No more flooding at your house - OK!!!!! That will teach you to pick a picturesque house with a creek running out front!!! Miss you. :o( xxx

29/4/07, 7:48 pm  
Anonymous Mom2One/Judy said...

~ Your blog looks awesome.

~ Chesty LaRue is a hilarious name; she thought up a good one.

~ I had a way-too-long response to the rest of this that ended up just being a post. I think adoptees need to always speak their truths, and wish others would try to listen and really hear them.

I know that I wish I could shield my son from the pain that he will feel as an adoptee, but that I can't, and that kills me. I'll just do whatever I can to help him through it, and hope that he has others he can lean on -- other adoptees who can truly understand, for example -- to also help him.

I don't want anyone to stop talking or writing. It's just that I'm sorry for the pain and it all breaks my heart, on a Bloggerville level and on a personal level with this child that I love more than anything in the world. I don't want him to feel grateful. I just want him to feel loved.


30/4/07, 3:38 am  
Blogger Going Back to Square One said...

Great new "digs."

Oh how my heart will break if I ever hear my daughter emote that she was made to feel grateful. I wish, wish, wish the words grateful and adoption didn't exist together in the same context. That goes for her feeling as if are better than her simply because her family chose to relinquish her. Her parents are beautiful people who could have done a wonderful job as parents; they simply chose not to parent. In fact, from what I know now, she probably would've had a MORE privileged life had she stayed with her first parents.

My heart pains for the many generations of adopted children forced to grow up without relationships with their first families. It's my personal prayer that open adoption lessens some of this burden on my daughter. I know she feels loss; I know because when I talk to her about her mother and show her pictures she recognizes her family. Which should seem impossible, especially considering she was never held by her first parents after her birth (by their choice!). Logistically, she's never looked into the eyes of her first parents, yet she recognizes them, laughs at them, smiles at them, waves to them...

I feel her loss as well...I feel it everyday. Today, for example, I haven't been able to extricate myself from her loss...she's nine months old today. Every month I feel this pain for her as I count yet another month that goes by without her having the opportunity to rest in her mother's arms.

One day my persistence will pay off and her parents will be ready. I will rejoice on that day.

BTW: I do 'Get it.' Thanks for the support.

30/4/07, 8:07 am  
Blogger angel said...

I hear ya babe! In fact, as I read this, I was thinking how bloody fabulous we all are for surviving this adoptee mindfuck on a daily basis!

We really are exceptional people!

ps.. New look is v. noice!!


30/4/07, 12:42 pm  
Blogger Possum said...

Judy - thanks for popping in - and wow - thanks for the post. I will comment on your post - it's just been a very heavy day. (I think it's in the stars??!!)

Jen - thank you for visiting also. I know you 'get it' - so much more than many a-pars I've come across. Take things slow with E's parents - they sound young - and you don't want to push them away for ever - just take it slow. xx

Angel - exceptional people we are my friend!! I'm glad I have you here on Blog-land. Can't wait for the Canberra visit!!!

Poss. xx

1/5/07, 12:05 am  
Anonymous Paula O. said...

Brilliant post. Spot on - you nailed it all, Poss!!!

LOVE the new look - it's awesome.

1/5/07, 1:01 am  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I like the new look Poss!

and great post too.

1/5/07, 8:27 am  
Blogger Third Mom said...

Love your new blog look, Possum!

And your post, too. It's one that a-parents should all read, and take to heart. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so honestly.

1/5/07, 12:06 pm  
Blogger Tammy said...

As an amom, I hear you loud and clear. I recoil at comments about how "lucky" my kids are. I often respond in a a defensive and frustrated manner. I live every day knowing that my chance to experience parenting comes only because others, including the kids I am privileged to parent, have suffered great loss. But those feelings also keep me "honest", knowing my children will have feelings about how they came into our family, about the losses they suffered before they ever had a voice in the matter.

Their First Mothers made a choice but it wasn't their first choice. I am certain of it. I can imagine that they would rather be parenting these children if they felt they could. I am truly the beneficiary of a sad situation. The only gratitude that I expect from my kids is that they are thankful that they were given life at all. And it is upto them to make the most of that life. ANd I hope that I can help them a little along the way.

Thanks for your reminder...

2/5/07, 2:39 am  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Love the new blog! Love your same voice. Hugs, Rebecca

13/5/07, 10:53 am  

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