Love And The Adoptee
Question:
My Answer:
The whole misconception with adoption & adoptees - lies in the stories of which parent the adoptee loves most.
I have 3 kids - do I love one child more than the others - NO.
The human heart is capable of loving many.
If the adoptive parents love their adoptee - and allow their adoptee to love everyone they care about in their lives - an adoptee has plenty of space to love all - including both sets of parents.
The problem lies with those adoptive parents that treat their adoptees as material possession - stating that they must love their adoptive parents above all others - and not letting their adoptees make up their own minds.
As parents - whether biological or adoptive - we are in charge of our children until they reach adulthood.
If we have done a good job - been fair - loved them without question - then - and only then - will they love us back.
If we have f*cked up - they'll run from us as fast as they can.
Yes - adoptees have a link to their biological parents - some choose to find it - some do not - but it does exist.
If adoptive parents perceive some kind of 'unfairness' with the balance of love - then - perhaps they're being a little selfish and unrealistic about how love should work.
Those adoptees that I know - that have had full support to seek out their biological roots - ultimately have a greater respect and love for their adoptive parents than of those that would behave differently.
It's not a competition.
Adoption should be about "IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD" - not about controlling another human being for the rest of their natural lives.
When you adopt a kid, don't they just grow up to love their real parents more than you? So what's the point?
My Answer:
The whole misconception with adoption & adoptees - lies in the stories of which parent the adoptee loves most.
I have 3 kids - do I love one child more than the others - NO.
The human heart is capable of loving many.
If the adoptive parents love their adoptee - and allow their adoptee to love everyone they care about in their lives - an adoptee has plenty of space to love all - including both sets of parents.
The problem lies with those adoptive parents that treat their adoptees as material possession - stating that they must love their adoptive parents above all others - and not letting their adoptees make up their own minds.
As parents - whether biological or adoptive - we are in charge of our children until they reach adulthood.
If we have done a good job - been fair - loved them without question - then - and only then - will they love us back.
If we have f*cked up - they'll run from us as fast as they can.
Yes - adoptees have a link to their biological parents - some choose to find it - some do not - but it does exist.
If adoptive parents perceive some kind of 'unfairness' with the balance of love - then - perhaps they're being a little selfish and unrealistic about how love should work.
Those adoptees that I know - that have had full support to seek out their biological roots - ultimately have a greater respect and love for their adoptive parents than of those that would behave differently.
It's not a competition.
Adoption should be about "IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD" - not about controlling another human being for the rest of their natural lives.
posted by Possum at 9:39 pm
14 Comments:
I agree with everything that you said -- except that we are also (not only, but also) an adoptee's real parents.
Possum,
Wow, you got all fancy since I last visited! Cool.
When you said, "it's not a competition,"...my eyebrows shot up. The language of many adoptive parents, which I sometimes find disturbing, does seem to describe a subconscious competition. A sort of constant need to assert that their child is better off with them because the first parents are...whatever. My own a-mom couldn't even ADMIT that I was adopted...yet she was terrified of her main competition...a ghost woman who would some day claim my affection. Sad, but her jealousy drove us apart, separating us forever. Adoption is NOT easy. Raising somebody else's child must be very challenging. I get that. I just wish people wouldn't say it was easy and that there's no difference between an adoptee and a bio child. That's where the trouble starts.
Also Possum: You've come a long way, baby!!!!
Thumbs up!
I just wish we all had a common definition of "best interests of the child". Seems as if the definition changes depending on who you ask - PAPs certainly have a different definition vs real parents or adoptees.
I agree adoption should not be about the value of any child over another. I have been around folks who have had that view which devalues humanity, including their own. All people are created equal and should be endowed with inalienable rights that includes knowing their own family of origin. At least that is what I think and what our (U.S. Constitution) says.
Well said (written). It's weird that APs handle us like a new species, a new breed of human.
WHOO HOO! Well said!
It's interesting that we adoptees are finding and sharing our truths now, but it's so hard for some APs to hear.
It will be VERY interesting to see how the current generation of adoptees deal with it.
Once when I had unwisely told my reunion story to a work colleague, he said to me "you can't have more than one mum". "Oh yeah? Who said?" was my rather juvenile response. Har har. I wasn't around to make the rules when I was but a babe, but I can guarantee that I will make my own now! Gayle
Possum,
Very powerful post.
Hugs,
Kell
Excellent Possum! big hiya to you
tina x
Poss, GREAT post.
This is what I get SO SICK OF in the forum/blogosphere. APs and PAPs whose only desire is "getting" a child. So they can celebrate "Gotcha" day.
And so many APs ARE in competition, they can't handle having to share their little adoptling's love, nope, they have to be the ONLY parents. (case in point...your average IA adopter who has to go oversees to avoid EVER having to deal with "birth mama drama").
It makes me sick. We are humans, we are not born as Blank Slates. We have an inborn need to know our roots; it's hardwired; it's unstoppable.
Wearing blinders cuts off the circulation to your brain. Life is so much more comfortable without them.
Like Popeye says "I yam what I yam"
I yam a woman with two mothers and two fathers. Yep. I shirley yam.
(((Possum)))
This post should be required reading for all p-aparents. I don't fear the queen, nor should I, yet many adoptive parents fear their children's other parents.
I have enough love in me to love many people. I would never dream of trying to limit the amount of love that I want my children to give.
Judy - I was just repeating the question as it read on Yahoo Questions. I agree - whole heartedly - both sets of parents are very much 'real'.
Nina - fancy pants I am!!! I think we've all come a long way Miss Nina. And you have helped me greatly in my growth. xx
ULB - thanks my friend.
Lee - I also wish that people could agree what is in the 'best interests' of the child. People with agendas will always sway the language in their own direction, I fear.
Minh - thanks. New species indeed - I'm just glad I've found others here online that are the same!!
Andie - I think it will also be interesting for the newer adoptees as they grow and find even more about themselves on the net.
Gayle - great to hear you're making your own rules now. I'm trying!! I would love to hear that you have started a blog!?!?!?! Let me know - OK?!?!?
Kelly - thank you so very much.
Tina - thanks - and welcome to the blogosphere!!
Lillie - I do so love your work my dear friend!!
Mia - YES - life without blinders is far more exciting - well said!!
Erin - thank you. Your voice is important amongst AP's - for saying it how it should be.
Biggest hugs,
Possum. xxxx
thank you soooo much for this post! you've so eloquently put into words what i've been trying to tell my daughters adopters for the past 6 years.
i dont like the idea of not being her mom either.but at the end of the day shes been with them for 6 years now.i have to accept that she will love them.
i dont understand why it is such a bad thing that my daughter will have more family and therefore more love.it's maddening.
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