Who Owes What In Reunion?

Dearest Suz - at "Writing my Wrongs" - wrote a post recently about the perceived debts in adoption - about what expectations there are when adoptee and first parents reunite - it's called - "What Do I Expect?"

Her post, and some of the comments got me thinking - as they tend to do!!

My thoughts and views of these issues have changed often over the years. Especially as I learn more of the era in which I was relinquished, and in reading and hearing the words of other adoptees and first mums.

I feel also that my views are becoming a tad tainted with the waiting game that I have had to endure in the last two years.

When I began my search, at age 26 - pregnant with my first child - I was hoping to find that my mother had always been searching for me, and had been waiting for the grand day that I would return.

Instead I found that she had not only relinquished me - but had also had a daughter 5 years before me - who had also been given up for adoption.

My adoptee dreams were shattered.

Nine years later - after much reading - many adoptee support groups - many recounts of first mother experiences - I sucked it up - started searching again - and found and wrote to my mother for the first time.

My first letters to my mother were from a people pleasing maniac - hoping desperately to impress my mother with what I had achieved in my life, in the hope that she would accept me, and love me and welcome me back into her life.

Why - because she gave me up once - I must have been faulty in some way - I'd better show that I had grown into a successful, brilliant, intelligent wife and mother - in the hope that she would accept me for who I am today.

Well - it didn't appear to work.

Oh - she did mention that she was proud of me and what I had achieved - BUT - she's not mentioned me to anyone but her husband - and now I was a big problem - a problem that appears to be too hard to acknowledge or to deal with. (yeah - lets ignore that this child was ever born - and maybe she really will just go away for good....)

The little adoptee inside of me had only ever been hoping to be accepted for ME - just the way I am - but perhaps that isn't enough.

Perhaps I need to write once more - (I have written a total of 8 times - with no more replies) - and bare my soul - telling of my need to just be accepted etc etc etc.

Or perhaps I should just stop trying to bang my head against a very thick, solid brick wall.

From this adoptee - my expectations in reunion have just been to be acknowledged and a hope of forming some kind of relationship with the family I was never allowed to be a part of.

I would have hoped that my own mother would not have rejected me in the way that she has - as this alone is an adoptees greatest fear.

And to acknowledge that my greatest fear is my very real reality - hurts like hell.