Saturday, July 07, 2007

Who Owes What In Reunion?

Dearest Suz - at "Writing my Wrongs" - wrote a post recently about the perceived debts in adoption - about what expectations there are when adoptee and first parents reunite - it's called - "What Do I Expect?"

Her post, and some of the comments got me thinking - as they tend to do!!

My thoughts and views of these issues have changed often over the years. Especially as I learn more of the era in which I was relinquished, and in reading and hearing the words of other adoptees and first mums.

I feel also that my views are becoming a tad tainted with the waiting game that I have had to endure in the last two years.

When I began my search, at age 26 - pregnant with my first child - I was hoping to find that my mother had always been searching for me, and had been waiting for the grand day that I would return.

Instead I found that she had not only relinquished me - but had also had a daughter 5 years before me - who had also been given up for adoption.

My adoptee dreams were shattered.

Nine years later - after much reading - many adoptee support groups - many recounts of first mother experiences - I sucked it up - started searching again - and found and wrote to my mother for the first time.

My first letters to my mother were from a people pleasing maniac - hoping desperately to impress my mother with what I had achieved in my life, in the hope that she would accept me, and love me and welcome me back into her life.

Why - because she gave me up once - I must have been faulty in some way - I'd better show that I had grown into a successful, brilliant, intelligent wife and mother - in the hope that she would accept me for who I am today.

Well - it didn't appear to work.

Oh - she did mention that she was proud of me and what I had achieved - BUT - she's not mentioned me to anyone but her husband - and now I was a big problem - a problem that appears to be too hard to acknowledge or to deal with. (yeah - lets ignore that this child was ever born - and maybe she really will just go away for good....)

The little adoptee inside of me had only ever been hoping to be accepted for ME - just the way I am - but perhaps that isn't enough.

Perhaps I need to write once more - (I have written a total of 8 times - with no more replies) - and bare my soul - telling of my need to just be accepted etc etc etc.

Or perhaps I should just stop trying to bang my head against a very thick, solid brick wall.

From this adoptee - my expectations in reunion have just been to be acknowledged and a hope of forming some kind of relationship with the family I was never allowed to be a part of.

I would have hoped that my own mother would not have rejected me in the way that she has - as this alone is an adoptees greatest fear.

And to acknowledge that my greatest fear is my very real reality - hurts like hell.


Blogger Kuin said...

I relate to so much of this post Possum...I too found that I was not the only one she had given up. Unlike your story I was the oldest and then a younger sibling given up at same time. Only to be followed by her having and keeping a half sibling. I thought I had prepared myself well. I was not prepared for that. When my first child was born I thought it would be the key to helping us get back together..letting her have something she did not get to have with me but again I was wrong, it was the complete opposite.. She could not handle this child that apparently looked just like me because it was too hard.
I don't understand why the way we view things is so completely opposite. What you think would help doesnt and what you think can't possibley hurt does.

8/7/07, 6:38 am  
Blogger Third Mom said...

Hi, Possum, wish I had words to help, but I don't - just a (((((hug))))).

8/7/07, 9:13 am  
Blogger Kelly said...

Possum & Kuin,

I am sorry; ya'll are both brave. Sending you lots of hugs from atlanta.


8/7/07, 9:22 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

This is so hard. Many hugs

8/7/07, 1:37 pm  
Blogger Andie D. said...

I read Suz's post too, and it got me thinking as well. Really, I do think that a bmom would at least owe us a) health info, b) acknowledgement, and c) answers to our questions.

Hell, I'd be happy with an "I'm sorry."

I too found that I was not "the one who got away". My bmom had another daughter she gave up two years before me. That's hard to face.

Have you thought about sending the heartfelt, honest letter? You could always draft it here you know. ((((Poss))))

8/7/07, 10:58 pm  
Anonymous mama2roo said...

I'm sorry its worked out this way. I can't imagine.

9/7/07, 9:57 am  
Blogger Erin said...

I'm sorry. (((poss)))

10/7/07, 1:23 am  
Blogger joyceregina said...

You scream out in pain. It is within the very deep soul of you. WHY.You ask? And the answer you will never feel, like or want to accept. I am afraid of you now, as I was then. You dont know me and you condemn my actions. I have been imprisoned of myself and the reflection of you within is unbearable. I carried you then, I carry you now. It was never you, It was always the fear and guilt of you. A reunion can only be an emotional freedom, and then will the pieces fit? I dont know if you would find comfort after a meeting. You may feel this is what you need for now. And it may not be what can make you whole.I wonder if it is really me you seek. In answer to the others that were before you or after you. How many children does it take to make One Mother?

10/7/07, 3:10 am  
Blogger Simon Bell said...

Hey Poss, tell me why it feels so bad to find out you were second to be put up? It's new to me - don't understand.

10/7/07, 5:15 am  
Blogger MOL_Am_Ris said...

I don't think that the person who was the child can possibly owe anyone else anything.

Someone actually blatantly stated on another board that the adoptee should help "fix" the mother.

The most amazing thing to me was that it didn't even seem to be a joke.

The baby didn't have sex and get pregnant. And if the mother was forced to have sex to begin with, then looking to the child for resolution for that is the way wrong place to be looking, I say...

10/7/07, 5:56 am  
Blogger elizabeth said...

Oh {{{{Poss}}}} I'm soo sorry your dreams were shattered. You deserved so much better. I admire you so much. Much love to you.

10/7/07, 12:12 pm  
Blogger angel said...

Poss honey, if only she knew what a fabulous wonderful daughter she has.
Wish that things were different for you, as Possum's deserve so much more that this. sending lotsa hugs xx

10/7/07, 1:04 pm  
Blogger juliaNY07 said...

Hey there, Sorry to hear that there is still no progress, every day I check with held breath to see if there is more news, I know it is hurting you so much. Hang in there, I keep thinking, though I am sure it is not much help, that your Bmum is missing SO much and I pray that she will realise this one day very soon. Love Jxx - oh I did not mean bmum to look so much like well you know!! :-)

11/7/07, 8:11 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Kuin - WOW - you too?? I feel your pain sweetie. Nothing really prepares us for this crap really.

Margie - just popping in & saying Hi really helps - thank you.

Kelly - thank you also for your kind words.

Theresa - thanks always for the hugs.

Andie - you too, too?? Bloody hell. And I thought I was alone in this predicament here in blogland?? ICK. Not sure where to go with the letter thing yet - buts it's been good to get it out there. KWIM??

Mama2roo - thank you.

Erin - thank you also.

Joyceregina - O.K..........

Simon - I've been thinking of a post - I will explain it there - I promise.

Amris - I think you have such a unique sight on all this - being both an adoptee & a first mum. I thank you for your honest take on things. There is SO much pain for both sides - and some get so caught up on who should have the most pain. I say - NONE of us. (in a perfect world) *sigh*

Elizabeth - we all deserved so much better sweetie. I admire you also. I accept your love and send you triple times back!! (I'm so good at the math thing!!!) LOL

Alex - I am fabulous - DAMN IT!!! Thank you for you hugs. Possum's need loads of hugs also!!

Julia - yeah - I'm starting to go blue in the face also from the holding of breath. Your words do comfort me - a little. The rejection thing just hits deep in my soul - ya know?! Thank you - as always - for being here for me my dear friend. I miss you daily.

Poss. xx

11/7/07, 11:58 am  

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