It's All About The Mother I Wasn't ALLOWED To Have

I've seen recent comments by adoptive parents - that are along these lines -

Some aparents don't want their children to feel the pain and grief of adoption loss (that we blogging adult adoptees speak of), and will do all that they can to NOT make their children go through that hell.

I do see adoptive parents that ARE reading and listening - but I think this is something that needs to be repeated for all those that just don't seem to understand the gravity of this subject matter.

No parent (well the sane ones) wants their child to feel pain - of ANY kind.

The point that I see that many a-pars miss is that many/most adoptees WILL feel like this - and a-pars can do NOTHING about it.
NIL.
NADA.
ZIP.

Like Nicole, at Paragraphein, has said in this previous post about Relinquishment vs Adoption - it's about abandonment issues - about separation from the person that we grew inside.

It's not ABOUT you (the adoptive parent) at all.

It does become about you - when you do not acknowledge that grief - and deny contact with the first family - and all those things that go along with making matters even worse - once you have parental rights of that child.

It's THEN that a-pars need to suck it up - and think about the child's best interests - not THEIRS.

The major damage has been done.
Initial separation is complete. (this alone hurt me just to write)
You must move into damage control and become an empathetic person - with the heart the size of a lion.
You decided to take the adoption route - now - get on with the job.

You've taken on a roll that I see as one of the hardest in the planet.
Trying to be the mother that the child wasn't allowed to have.
Children WANT to be with the mother that they grew inside of.
(if you disagree with me here - you obviously have a great more reading and listening to do.)

Children find themselves in the land of adoption for many and varied reasons (I will not go into this topic here) but ultimately - it is through NO fault of their own.

I am also not going to delve into the blaming game here (again - there are many and varied reasons for adoption) - BUT the ongoing parenting of the adoptee has been placed in your hands.

It is no longer about what you want - too bad if you don't WANT your adoptee to feel those things - no-body WANTS bad things for their loved ones - but if you deny that it may well be an affect - you are denying the healing and understanding that needs to take place.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few more points - my opinions - things I need to say...................

We adult adoptees are NOT here to make anyone else feel better or worse about their part in adoption.
Most of us have found our way here through a life of adoption hurt.
Most of us are just relieved to find others that feel so many of the same feelings that we have lived with throughout our lives.
Our stories are many and varied - but I feel that the similarities of the majority here in Blogland are undeniable and should be listened to carefully.
Often, things that we write are taken personally and we are told that we hurt adoptive or birth parents.
This is for YOU to deal with - it is really YOUR problem - not ours.
Maybe it hurts because it is challenging those long held beliefs that many hold.
We are speaking our truths - something that has been silenced by others our entire lives.
We are the ones that have been hurt by the reality of REAL LIFE ADOPTION loss.
It happened TO US - please do not negate the hurt that we feel.
We are trying to deal with our hurt - deal with yours.
We are finally finding the courage to speak up - and no matter how angry you get with our words - you will not silence us now.
Many comments that are made to us - can, at times, hit very raw nerves. (we are the ones living lives that we were not meant to live)
But - we are NOT here to teach.
If you happen to learn from us - great - all the better for all the other adoptees in the world.

OK - I'm off my soap box for now - if you get the chance - here's a few good reads I want to share........

'What we have here is....Failure to Communicate" - by Joy.

"I'm a Hypocrite" - by Issycat.

"Are children inherently bad?" - by Julie.


Poss. xx