Saturday, May 26, 2007

It's All About The Mother I Wasn't ALLOWED To Have

I've seen recent comments by adoptive parents - that are along these lines -

Some aparents don't want their children to feel the pain and grief of adoption loss (that we blogging adult adoptees speak of), and will do all that they can to NOT make their children go through that hell.

I do see adoptive parents that ARE reading and listening - but I think this is something that needs to be repeated for all those that just don't seem to understand the gravity of this subject matter.

No parent (well the sane ones) wants their child to feel pain - of ANY kind.

The point that I see that many a-pars miss is that many/most adoptees WILL feel like this - and a-pars can do NOTHING about it.
NIL.
NADA.
ZIP.

Like Nicole, at Paragraphein, has said in this previous post about Relinquishment vs Adoption - it's about abandonment issues - about separation from the person that we grew inside.

It's not ABOUT you (the adoptive parent) at all.

It does become about you - when you do not acknowledge that grief - and deny contact with the first family - and all those things that go along with making matters even worse - once you have parental rights of that child.

It's THEN that a-pars need to suck it up - and think about the child's best interests - not THEIRS.

The major damage has been done.
Initial separation is complete. (this alone hurt me just to write)
You must move into damage control and become an empathetic person - with the heart the size of a lion.
You decided to take the adoption route - now - get on with the job.

You've taken on a roll that I see as one of the hardest in the planet.
Trying to be the mother that the child wasn't allowed to have.
Children WANT to be with the mother that they grew inside of.
(if you disagree with me here - you obviously have a great more reading and listening to do.)

Children find themselves in the land of adoption for many and varied reasons (I will not go into this topic here) but ultimately - it is through NO fault of their own.

I am also not going to delve into the blaming game here (again - there are many and varied reasons for adoption) - BUT the ongoing parenting of the adoptee has been placed in your hands.

It is no longer about what you want - too bad if you don't WANT your adoptee to feel those things - no-body WANTS bad things for their loved ones - but if you deny that it may well be an affect - you are denying the healing and understanding that needs to take place.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few more points - my opinions - things I need to say...................

We adult adoptees are NOT here to make anyone else feel better or worse about their part in adoption.
Most of us have found our way here through a life of adoption hurt.
Most of us are just relieved to find others that feel so many of the same feelings that we have lived with throughout our lives.
Our stories are many and varied - but I feel that the similarities of the majority here in Blogland are undeniable and should be listened to carefully.
Often, things that we write are taken personally and we are told that we hurt adoptive or birth parents.
This is for YOU to deal with - it is really YOUR problem - not ours.
Maybe it hurts because it is challenging those long held beliefs that many hold.
We are speaking our truths - something that has been silenced by others our entire lives.
We are the ones that have been hurt by the reality of REAL LIFE ADOPTION loss.
It happened TO US - please do not negate the hurt that we feel.
We are trying to deal with our hurt - deal with yours.
We are finally finding the courage to speak up - and no matter how angry you get with our words - you will not silence us now.
Many comments that are made to us - can, at times, hit very raw nerves. (we are the ones living lives that we were not meant to live)
But - we are NOT here to teach.
If you happen to learn from us - great - all the better for all the other adoptees in the world.

OK - I'm off my soap box for now - if you get the chance - here's a few good reads I want to share........

'What we have here is....Failure to Communicate" - by Joy.

"I'm a Hypocrite" - by Issycat.

"Are children inherently bad?" - by Julie.


Poss. xx

26 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhh, no words, just big sloppy cyber hugs and kisses

joy

27/5/07, 4:26 pm  
Blogger elizabeth said...

Wow!

Rant on!

Powerful. Awesome. The TRUTH.

You say it so well Poss. I want to hug you right now.

27/5/07, 6:16 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Well said Possum! I am listening. Hope you are having a great weekend there although I am not sure you have a Memorial Day weekend there like we do here.

28/5/07, 2:00 am  
Blogger Julie said...

I am thanking a lot of adult adoptees these days, and here I am thanking another. Very well said, Possum. And here are some more big sloppy cyber hugs for you too....

28/5/07, 3:10 am  
Blogger Erin said...

well said.

I want to raise the bee so that she knows it is okay to discuss her sadness, her loss, her grief. Those things are part of her that I can't change, and yes I wish I could because like you said, who wants to see their child in pain.

thanks for your voice.

28/5/07, 1:43 pm  
Blogger someaussiegirl said...

This blog entry made me feel so empowered! I was like, you go girl!
haha.
It makes me feel good that my voice is being heard.
I started my blog to tell people how it is for me. Not what they speculate it must be like, or not necessarily how it is on TV where it's all Brady Bunch and perfect lives of celebrities.

I have spent my life only extolling the good things about being adopted (i think there are many blessings in my life) but never letting myself think of the negatives - besides racism which tends to be in your face - because I was too scared.

Now I know that like everything, there are two sides to a coin and the bad side is something that needs to be heard too. I realise it could be painful to others to hear some of my truths, but with the 100% support of my loved ones (and my new blogging friends) I want the world to know it isn't all roses. That hiding these negative truths will never help educate the ignorant.

Thanks again, Poss!

29/5/07, 12:47 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Joy - WOW - sloppy cyber hugs - AND kisses!!! Well I did learn it all from some of THE very best. xx
Elizabeth - I love me a little rant every now and then!! I felt the hug too. :o)
Leroy - sadly - no memorial day here - but I do finish my semester soon at Uni - and then I'll have many free weeks - YIPPEE.
Julie - more sloppy cyber hugs?! Back at you Miss J.
Erin - I'm glad I didn't frighten you away with my cranky adoptee rant!! I'm glad you're here.
SomeAussieGirl - so glad you're here - we need MORE Aussies!!! I'm glad it made you feel empowered - it felt good writing it too!!

Hugs to you all.
(I'm generous that way!!!) LOL
Poss. xxx

29/5/07, 1:14 am  
Blogger Tammy said...

I am listening.

I am here because I know that the children I am privileged to parent suffered their greatest loss (which is ongoing and always) the day they were placed in my family. I don't want to keep them from feeling it. I just want to help them through it the best ways I can.

And I don't know what to do. Their first families refuse our attempts at contact. Which was one of the things we needed (and thought we had) in order to feel like we could parent a child who came to us through adoption. So now I'm trying to understand better so that I can help them understand what they're going through so that they won't feel that they don't have a voice for their pain and grief.

And you are so right. My issues with all this are not your (or anyone else's) problem. I thank you for saying the hard things that I need to hear. THis part of our journey is new to me. But I am listening.

29/5/07, 2:52 am  
Anonymous justenjoyhim/judy said...

I don't think the pingback worked --
http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2007/05/28/adoptive-parents-and-our-childrens-biggest-loss/

Great post, Possum.

~ Judy

29/5/07, 10:37 am  
Anonymous justenjoyhim/judy said...

and I'm not sure that worked either. Heh. My blog at
http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/
post is
"Adoptive Parents And Our Children's Biggest Loss"
-- this post inspired that post.

and should have left a pingback here, but didn't seem to.

ACK, technology!

29/5/07, 10:40 am  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Yes. Very well said. Biggest hugs, Rebecca

29/5/07, 1:36 pm  
Blogger ani said...

oh yikes, this was such a good post, so true, it is a seperate issue,

No one can take that pain away, I love my adad so much there is nothing he could do about my adoption feelings they have nothing to do with him. They are a seperate issue, they do not make him less of a father to me. I love him no more or no less because of them.

He could not have loved me more and that would not have changed my feelings about being adopted.

uggggg so frusterating, it is like speaking another language,

I love ya Possum, I hear you sweetie,,

ani

29/5/07, 4:44 pm  
Anonymous Paula O. said...

Another brilliant post, Poss. Hugs all around. :)

30/5/07, 12:13 am  
Blogger Michelle said...

Thank you for this. Always eager to learn from you. Great post!

30/5/07, 5:09 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Tammy - hi - thanks for dropping in. I find that writing here helps me to sort things out in my own mind. It helps me too!!!

Judy - thank you for the link. I read your post - I'm really touched. I'm glad that I make sense - at times!! LOL

Rebecca - hugs back at you sweetie.
Thank you.

Ani - yeah - I know babes. I know. xx

Paula - thanks dear friend. Your words mean a lot.

Michelle - thank you. I'm really just trying to make sense of the mess I have found myself in.

Biggest hugs,
Poss. xxxx

30/5/07, 9:52 am  
Blogger Andie D. said...

If I were to adopt (and I used to say that I NEVER, EVER would), the first thing I'd want to make sure I acknowledged was that my child suffered a profound and life long loss.

You hit it on the head - "It happened TO US - please do not negate the hurt that we feel." The adoptee is the one that had no choice, no say. We have our say now, like it or not.

30/5/07, 2:21 pm  
Blogger Simon Bell said...

Hi Poss,

It's all true. Being a pom, I naturally wouldn't want to express myself like this so I'm glad you lot are out there doing it for me.

And there's more of us by the day.

Cheers

31/5/07, 2:17 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

So brilliant. More sloppy hugs and kisses.

31/5/07, 5:23 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Andie - I've always wanted to foster - but when I have time for the kids - when mine are grown up more - those are the kids that need the love - IMHO. Thanks for dropping in - hope you're getting your house back soon.....

Simon - welcome to House O Possum!! You've now completely changed the meaning of 'Pommy Bastard' for me - it shall hence forth be one of affection!! I love that there's another male adoptee here in Blogland - thank you for speaking your truth. And we are growing in numbers - hey?? I like it!!

Theresa - oh - brilliant now?? (Your chocolates and champagne should arrive any day now with the Fed Ex guy.......) Hugs back at you!!

Poss. xxxx

31/5/07, 12:07 pm  
Blogger Lillie said...

Poss!!

Wonderfully put. Couldn't have said it better myself.

1/6/07, 5:08 am  
Blogger angel said...

Hey Poss...

Just a little note to say my work trip to the ACT this June, has been cancelled. :-( I am now required up here in Sydney that day, so it may not be until around September that I will be back there...

Although that could change...

Its a bit crap that we won't get to meet up so soon, but maybe you'll be up here some time in the near future?

We've still got email (although I am a bit scared to send you any more after the last time!) LOL.

speak soon
Al x

4/6/07, 1:34 pm  
Blogger Erika said...

awesome post!

we need to keep telling the truth.
it is so vital.

6/6/07, 2:00 pm  
Blogger Rhonda said...

You can speak for me as an adoptee any time.

I agree with everything you said. The more I understand my own experience, the more I've come to realize that what makes or breaks the adoption experience for the adoptee is all about how it's handled by his/her adoptive parents.

You can't spare a child pain by covering up the truth. You have to hold his/her hand and walk them through it. Doing the former is emotionally devastating. Doing the latter isn't easy, but it prevents so much damage.

6/6/07, 3:27 pm  
Blogger 3rd generation adoption said...

Possum,

Nice piece. But don't forget - adoption is so often never about the kids - it's about the parents and continues to be about the parents. One wants to adopt for all the right reasons, but most don't. And then when it gets to these types of situations, they never get it. My amom never did get it and my bsister who was adopted with me has grown to hate me as much as my amom did for seeking out my bfamily. Oh well, some people simply adopt for the wrong reasons and reasoning never works.

14/6/07, 1:42 am  
Anonymous mia said...

(((Poss))) Bravo!!!

14/6/07, 1:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where are you?

joyjoy

15/6/07, 5:01 pm  

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