Monday, June 18, 2007

Still Dangling On That Line....

I'm here - I'm alive - I'm happy that another semester at University has ended - I'm exhausted.

And to top things off - our internet connection went kapootsky for almost 2 weeks.
I was ready to hunt down my service provider and give them a stern talking to.

This last semester at Uni has been a really tough one.
I've been reflecting on this now that I've had time to stop.
To be honest - I think I have been hanging on by a very thin & fragile thread.
I think that it's all been such a heavy weight on my heart, mind and soul - that it really took every ounce of energy that I had to spare.

I'm trying to 'do' Uni for the first time in my 30-something life (no - I will NOT admit that I'm closer now to 40 than 30!) whilst trying to maintain a family of 3 young children, a relationship with my wonderful husband, plus friendships here and in real life, AND dealing with the terrifying nature of this weird obsession of mine - called REUNION. (or lack thereof)
Sometimes I think I'm just a bloody idiot!!

It's funny how my life seems to always be surrounded by some kind of chaos.
Not a nasty, horrible kind of chaos - but chaos none the less.
I think I probably orchestrate it all this way - as deep down I know that if things are too calm and quiet - my mind will be allowed to race - and it will dwell for too long on the sadness that looms just below the surface.

Don't get me wrong - I do allow it to rise up at times - I'm not trying to run away from it - but it scares me in some ways - as I don't want to be a dark and gloomy character - that's not me.
Maybe it's just that controlling adoptee in me??!!

I've been struggling to find the real me - as seen in many of my posts here.
I've wondered if my adoptee mask has been hiding a different 'me' underneath.

You'll all be pleased to know - I now know that I'm still essentially just 'ME' - the upbeat girl that loves to make friends and family smile. The girl that always has the glass half full - not the half empty gloomy scenario.

Perhaps it's BECAUSE of all the trauma I've been dealt - that I maintain a snarky, wicked sense of humour.
Perhaps that's why many adoptees that I know have similar tinted views of the world.
They're able to take the mickey out of the bullshit that gets sprouted by so many. (The many being those that are so often trying to justify their choices in life - without even looking at another point of view.)
Perhaps we have the 'real-view-tinted' glasses on - rather than the 'rose-tinted' variety.
Perhaps we all are issued the 'rose-tinted' glasses at birth - but they are dislodged as soon as the first traumatic experiences effect our lives.
I think it's very sad that so many wish to keep those 'rose-tinted' glasses glued on tightly - so as not to upset their perfect world.

I think we all need to laugh at the crap handed us at times.
If I stop having the capacity to laugh - I think that will be my end.

In other news........I have received another email from A.
He's keeping in touch (phew - he hasn't run away) - but still keeping me dangling on that line...

Hi Possum,

Just a quick note to let you know that I have not forgotton about you.

No doubt you have started or are about to start your mid year University exams.

I hope they go well for you.

I will contact you again in a few weeks time after your exams.

All the best in your exams

Cheers

A.

I replied - telling him that my exams are over.
I guess I'll hear from him when he's ready.

Someone in the Universe must like playing nasty tricks with my heart & mind.
I swear that this waiting is somewhat like some kind of Chinese water torture.
Yep - he's within reach - not telling me to get lost - but not giving me much else in the meantime.

Oh how I hate THE WAIT.

11 Comments:

Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Life seems to be "hurry up and wait"...waiting in lines, taking a number and so on. Glad you survived exams. They can be so brutal. It truly is a test of endurance as well as a few other things - lol. I am glad you are still YOU! Hope that you hear something back from A soon and this reunion can keep moving.

19/6/07, 8:23 pm  
Blogger 3rd generation adoption said...

Glad to hear you made it Possum. Good for you on taking so much with so much. But that tends to be pretty normal amongst us adoptees. It's like we have three lives to live in one lifetime.

Cheers,

20/6/07, 8:48 am  
Anonymous justenjoyhim/judy said...

Glad your semester is over and your internet is restored and it's good to hear from you. :)

20/6/07, 9:35 pm  
Blogger Going Back to Square One said...

OOOHHH!

You heard back from A!!

I understand about the wait. I sit some days and hit the 'Send & Receive' button on my email just to see if Crettie has written me in the split second since I'd hit it the last time. It's excruciating!

And then to get a short, enigmatic, little note. How tortuous.

I think A and Crettie must be related somehow. Adoption is a nasty game, isn't it?

Hugs to you for making it though another semester. I think you've got a lot of chutzpah to be taking on all this with a family at 'your age.' *laughs*

(((POSS)))

21/6/07, 11:21 pm  
Blogger Possum said...

Leroy - great to see you again. Yep - some forward motion on the reunion would be very nice. It's been a little too stationary for my liking.

3rd Gen - yep - 3 lives at once sounds a lot like my life. Thanks for popping in to say hi.

Judy - lovely to see you here as always. Thank the universe for good internet connections I say!!!

Jen - nice to see you in my space also. hey - did you know you have me in your links twice??!! I know I'm good - but really!!! ROFL.
I go through mouses on a regular basis - all the clicking on SEND/RECEIVE does it!!

Poss. xxx

22/6/07, 1:16 am  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I'm sorry Poss. The WAIT sucks. So unfair. Sending hugs.

22/6/07, 10:42 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Miss Liz - thanks for dropping in - as always. I'm so glad you're around.

Poss. xxx

26/6/07, 5:37 pm  
Blogger Lillie said...

Hi Poss!!!


I have missed you too. :)


I'm mixing some wicked margaritas, let's just sit back and get all tipsy and find some cute, tanned construction workers to whistle at and sip our drinkies.

That might make the wait a little more bearable.

Hugs, Lillie

29/6/07, 9:57 am  
Blogger Possum said...

Lillie - bring on the margaritas and the construction workers my friend!!!

Poss. xx

30/6/07, 12:37 am  
Blogger Julie said...

Oh, Possum, I'm so sorry you're forced to endure this not-knowing so tortuously close to knowing. Arrrrggggghhhh!!! I'll join you and Lillie, if you don't mind.

1/7/07, 7:15 pm  
Blogger Possum said...

Oh Julie - of course you can join in. It wouldn't be the same without you!!

Poss. xx

4/7/07, 11:29 pm  

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