Still Dangling On That Line....

I'm here - I'm alive - I'm happy that another semester at University has ended - I'm exhausted.

And to top things off - our internet connection went kapootsky for almost 2 weeks.
I was ready to hunt down my service provider and give them a stern talking to.

This last semester at Uni has been a really tough one.
I've been reflecting on this now that I've had time to stop.
To be honest - I think I have been hanging on by a very thin & fragile thread.
I think that it's all been such a heavy weight on my heart, mind and soul - that it really took every ounce of energy that I had to spare.

I'm trying to 'do' Uni for the first time in my 30-something life (no - I will NOT admit that I'm closer now to 40 than 30!) whilst trying to maintain a family of 3 young children, a relationship with my wonderful husband, plus friendships here and in real life, AND dealing with the terrifying nature of this weird obsession of mine - called REUNION. (or lack thereof)
Sometimes I think I'm just a bloody idiot!!

It's funny how my life seems to always be surrounded by some kind of chaos.
Not a nasty, horrible kind of chaos - but chaos none the less.
I think I probably orchestrate it all this way - as deep down I know that if things are too calm and quiet - my mind will be allowed to race - and it will dwell for too long on the sadness that looms just below the surface.

Don't get me wrong - I do allow it to rise up at times - I'm not trying to run away from it - but it scares me in some ways - as I don't want to be a dark and gloomy character - that's not me.
Maybe it's just that controlling adoptee in me??!!

I've been struggling to find the real me - as seen in many of my posts here.
I've wondered if my adoptee mask has been hiding a different 'me' underneath.

You'll all be pleased to know - I now know that I'm still essentially just 'ME' - the upbeat girl that loves to make friends and family smile. The girl that always has the glass half full - not the half empty gloomy scenario.

Perhaps it's BECAUSE of all the trauma I've been dealt - that I maintain a snarky, wicked sense of humour.
Perhaps that's why many adoptees that I know have similar tinted views of the world.
They're able to take the mickey out of the bullshit that gets sprouted by so many. (The many being those that are so often trying to justify their choices in life - without even looking at another point of view.)
Perhaps we have the 'real-view-tinted' glasses on - rather than the 'rose-tinted' variety.
Perhaps we all are issued the 'rose-tinted' glasses at birth - but they are dislodged as soon as the first traumatic experiences effect our lives.
I think it's very sad that so many wish to keep those 'rose-tinted' glasses glued on tightly - so as not to upset their perfect world.

I think we all need to laugh at the crap handed us at times.
If I stop having the capacity to laugh - I think that will be my end.

In other news........I have received another email from A.
He's keeping in touch (phew - he hasn't run away) - but still keeping me dangling on that line...

Hi Possum,

Just a quick note to let you know that I have not forgotton about you.

No doubt you have started or are about to start your mid year University exams.

I hope they go well for you.

I will contact you again in a few weeks time after your exams.

All the best in your exams

Cheers

A.

I replied - telling him that my exams are over.
I guess I'll hear from him when he's ready.

Someone in the Universe must like playing nasty tricks with my heart & mind.
I swear that this waiting is somewhat like some kind of Chinese water torture.
Yep - he's within reach - not telling me to get lost - but not giving me much else in the meantime.

Oh how I hate THE WAIT.