Is Reunion Worth It?

I'm really starting to question if trying to reunite with one's first family is even worth the bother.

I've been through 2 years of hell and rejection from my first mother. I've written 8-9 letters in total - pouring my heart out with every word.

I've sat on top of my letter box - hovered around my computer - and jumped every time the phone has rung.

And all I've received from her is one small letter in return.

Yes - given - I've finally had acknowledgment from my father - but how heartbreaking will that relationship be further down the line.

I've been questioning whole heartedly my purpose for wanting some kind of reunion - and trying to weigh up the effects of going through this awful process - on both my sanity - and on my husband and children - that I KNOW truly care and love ME dearly - just the way I am.

Besides my own search and (lack of) reunion - I've heard much lately from my friends in Blogland and on forums about the troubles they have also been facing - and my opinions of these reunions are making me want to literally crawl back into my shell.

Of those (that I have found online) that have found and reunited - in some way - with their first family - including Issycat, Jessie, Nina, Dan, Angel, Dory, Joy, Elizabeth, Nicole, Andie, Deborah, Jane, iBastard, Julie, Rebecca, Rhonda, Ani, Stacy, Gersham and Sarah - there are SO many ups and downs - so many disappointments, so many missed years, so much heartache.

Some are very early in their reunions - some have been reunited for many years.

In the process - many have either been rejected outright by their adoptive parents for just wanting to search - others have kept things hidden - as they know that they'll receive a verbal lashing - and keeping silent is sometimes the only possible way to go.

But throughout there is so much sadness - expressed by all.

YES - we all have different stories - and we are at different places in the journey - but ultimately - the underlying message with a lot of the stories - is the sadness that there will never be that same closeness as what real kids would have had with their real families.

Adoptees tend to just hover in some crazy no-mans-land.

We don't completely belong to our adoptive families - and we will never fully belong to our first families.

And we all have different degrees of fear - a fear of our found families rejecting us once more - and a fear of our adoptive families rejecting us for wanting to know who we are and where we came from.

I'm finding that now I have finally been acknowledged by by father - that no minute do I get one question answered - as two more are waiting in line to be asked.

Will I ever be satisfied with how this will all end???

Does it come down to the fact that my first family will never want me - as much as I want them??

So far - I do feel a great deal of relief in knowing what I have so far found out.
I have names - and I have some geneology.
I have a sister that is so very similar to me - and we have both lived the adoptee experience - so we both KNOW without saying a word - about the insecurities that we both feel.
I have a better sense of ME - as I have now seen others who DO look the same way as me.

BUT - still the secrets and lies of the past hang so thickly in the air. And they hold such a great hold on my mother - that I fear - I will never find what I am looking for there.

To be honest - I don't think that initial wound of separation from my first family - will ever fully go away.

Added: Please go to this blog post - "Questions For My Birth Mother" - so many things here that I have never dared to say. I read it through tears. It is EVERYTHING I have ever dreamt and wanted to say. (thanks Jenna for the heads-up on this one)

UPDATE AGAIN: To add - Prairieguy - at Reflections Of A Foster Youth - who wrote the above post - has just posted two more fabulous posts - JUST what I needed to read right now.

"Why Search For Birth Family?"
- and -
"Was Search For Birth Family Worth It?".

Make sure you add this wonderful voice to your links. I look forward to hearing more.