Saturday, September 29, 2007

Why Don't ALL Adoptive Parents Get It?

The wonderful Adoptee Forum that I participate in has a new member of late - an adoptive parent - one who has shared with us stories of her journey with her two young adoptee's - as they struggle with the effects of being separated from their first families.

This adoptive parent has a blog - titled - All My Children.
(Edit: sadly this blog has now been taken down)

On the Adoptee Forum - there was a discussion on what peoples thoughts were on changes that we believe should be made to adoptions - as they stand in most countries today.

This new member made some GREAT suggestions - even more impressive - the fact that they came from an adoptive parent.

She has allowed me permission to cut and paste her thoughts - I hope they make someone out their really THINK about some of the issues that so many never even DREAM about - especially when they're blinded by the desire to just get a child - and usually at any price.

Adoptive parents need to be prepared for many things and here is my list:

1. Deal with your infertility....NOW
2. Do not think adopting a child is the answer to your grief due to your infertility.
3. Stop reading happy adoption blogs. Read blogs by adoptees so you can better understand what your son or daughter will be experiencing.
4. Ask yourself...can I really accept that this child has a real live true mother that will always be a part of her whether I ever have the opportunity to know or meet them during our life together.
5. Ask yourself....can I love my child for who SHE or HE is without trying to make them into a mini me.
6. Ask you understand that the adoption of this child is totally based on LOSS for the first mom and the child.
7. Ask you have the empathy and the tools to help navigate your child through their loss's and grief.
8. Read, read, read, and learn, learn, learn. Do you understand the inner life of an adopted child? Probably not unless you were adopted yourself. It doesn't matter if you have a second cousin or friend of a friend of a friend who was adopted and they 'turned out just fine'. What matters is that you are prepared to bless YOUR child by being knowledgeable and prepared for the road ahead. Don't take adoption lightly. Don't get caught up in thinking 'ahhh...we've reached the solution to making our family and now we can just relax and enjoy.

There's more I can come up with but this is it for now.

Seriously - thought provoking stuff.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if adoptive parents would really think hard about the effects their actions would have on their young adoptees.

It's not about fulfilling YOUR needs - it has to be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD.


Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

It makes me sad. The entitlement and defensiveness. Once I made what I thought was a really nice comment on the blog of a prospective adoptive parent who came across my google alerts. They seemed to really be wanting to learn. I didn't even use my ungrateful blog as a return address. They got so nasty. THEIR agency was different and THEY would tell them everything they needed to know.

Their agency? Gladney.

29/9/07, 1:52 pm  
Blogger Gershom said...

yes, i'm tired of the self entitlement, know it all too. I wish they all got it...too. even a pinch, why can't a pinch get it? pffft.

1/10/07, 9:52 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Possum,

Wow...thanks for posting this! I remember you shared that you would but it is nice to see it in print. I hope more adoptive parents read it and can start to learn how to best meet their childrens needs. take care, cap

9/10/07, 11:09 am  

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