Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Contact Denial

I have just read the most moving post - and it has effected me in a very deep way. If you have a chance - please visit and have a read - titled THE REAL DEAL.
It was written by Mia - an adoptee from the US - who has an amazing way with the written word.
In the US, many states have closed adoption records - meaning that adoptees are not even allowed the most basic of information about their birth family. Something that every other citizen in the US is allowed by law - but adoptees seem to be singled out as second-class citizens by those that enforce the law.
Here in Australia, we are at least entitled to our identifying information - copies of documents from the time of our birth - with circumstances, names and dates - even a copy of our original birth certificate . It is THEN up to us - the adoptee - if we wish to search out and contact our family of origin - we can search on our own.
What effected me so greatly in Mia's blog - was the feelings and emotions she described attached to the whole search process. Emotions which have spun through my mind throughout this entire journey to find and contact my mother.
I was the passive searcher in the beginning - and then moved into the active searcher in the last couple of years.
What has effected me even more is the realisation of the heartache I live with every day, as my mother chooses not to have contact with me.
She hasn't completely closed the door in my face. But she has asked for TIME - and dangles this unobtainable glimmer of HOPE - and I continue waiting day after day after day after day.
She - my mother - is crushing my heart - my soul - and the very being that is ME.
When am I going to be able to let this all go?
When am I going to be able to say that I'VE HAD ENOUGH?
How can a mother ignore the hand offered to her by her own child?
I just don't understand.


Blogger elizabeth said...

I don't understand it either Chez. I'm so sorry you are left hanging in limbo. That is truly awful. Hugs to you.

31/1/07, 2:15 pm  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

I wish so much I had these amazing, profound words that would make it all clear and make you feel better.

But I don't.

I'm so so sorry. That's all I have.


31/1/07, 2:15 pm  
Blogger Paula O. said...

Oh, Chez, my heart truly aches for you and for all of the pain that you are going through right now.

I am thinking of you and am keeping the hope for you and your mother.

Big hugs, (((Chez)))

31/1/07, 2:23 pm  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Dearest Chez, *sobbing* I am so sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could take away the pain that you feel at being put off by your mum. I realize I don't know you well but I'm fairly certain that it's not you as a person that she's rejecting. The concept of giving her child away is probably more than she can bear. As a mother, it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't open her arms to you. All I can say over and over is IT'S NOT YOU. Cling to your sister and bask in her love. While you are waiting for your mum to come around, you girls still have each other. Big hugs, Rebecca

31/1/07, 3:08 pm  
Blogger Mia said...

I wish what I had written didn't have any effect on you at all because that would mean you were not in this boat. You, Me, Wraith, Amy and so many others.....we are in a club all our own. A club I wouldn't wish anyone to be a member of.
The thing is Chez you are NOT in this alone. Remember that OK? And it does ease with time.

1/2/07, 1:30 pm  
Blogger Julie said...

My god, we start in limbo, grow up in limbo.... shouldn't there be some freaking relief EVENTUALLY?? I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. ((((((Chez))))))

1/2/07, 2:14 pm  
Blogger angel said...

I offer you copious amounts of chocolate, lots and lots of hugs and my little shoulder to cry on anytime you need..

I wish I could change things for you.


1/2/07, 3:50 pm  
Blogger AMYADOPTEE said...

I have been walking it for the last year. It hasn't really gotten any better. The only saving graces that I have had is my adoptive family is totally cool, fellow bloggers, both adoptee and first, have a great chatroom - adoption triad outreach, great forum and the many many great friends that I have met along the way.

Got to keep your chin up. We are all with you in spirit

1/2/07, 4:52 pm  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

It defies understanding Chez that your mother is holding you back. I think it sucks (big time). If I could have five minutes with her, my first question would be: Do you ever think of how your daughter is feeling instead of only yourself?

I know you are hurting, but right at the moment I am mad - I know I can pacify my feelings by saying I don't understand, but what is making mad is what I do understand. Here you are having been adopted, making contact with your mom for the first time in your life and then being told to back off so she can have more time. No further explaination. That is all that I know and if that is all there is to know, then my hurt would probably turn into anger and then resentment...then maybe, maybe acceptance. A bitter pill to swallow.

Many hugs Chez...I can't understand your feelings totally but I have some idea what hopelessness feels like. We are with you.

2/2/07, 10:09 am  
Blogger said...

I don't know if you will ever accept this, she might come around, she might not. It's very very upsetting and I feel sad about this for you.

I don't understand it either. I hope she will feel stronger and braver.

Adoption really does a lot of damage to us mothers, I can only speak for myself, I can't pretend to know what you go through in this.

Don't give up hope, it should be something we hold on to forever.

3/2/07, 7:42 am  

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