Thursday, February 15, 2007

Today I Can Breath

Another email from A (mother's husband) received at last.
Today - I can breath once more.......................

Dear C,

You are probably wondering why I made contact with you by email about a week or so ago but I feel some contact should be made with you so that at least there is a channel of communication with you and hopefully this may alleviate a lot of the frustration and heartache you have experienced the last year or so.

P does not know I have contacted you and she would be very angry and very upset if she found out that I have betrayed her and made contact with you. I wanted to contact you again before Christmas but P got very upset when I suggested that I would contact you so I let it go until now. She has her own email address and I have my own email address so we are both independent of each other as far as emails are concerned. After a lot of deep thought I have decided to take the course of action I have, and communicate with you without telling her.

P has said to me she will write to you but I have been worried that you may become overly frustrated with the delay in communication and I don't believe that is fair for you.

P is not overly well and I have noticed that she is slipping physically, mentally and emotionally these last few years so I hope you can try to understand the difficulty she is having in finding the courage to write to you. I have been trying to help her with her issues but she is a very determined person and at times I feel I am not much help to her at all.

I am happy to continue to communicate with you by email C if that is suitable to you. Unfortunately it may not be what you had hoped for but in the short to medium term it is the best option I can think of.

I am still optimistic and hopeful that you can both get a happy outcome even if it is more protracted than you would have hoped.

I hope you and your family are all well. No doubt the children are back at school by now so perhaps mum can get a bit of personal time to herself.

We have had a bit of rain here in T (town) this last week and the lawns have again greened up. It did not rain in the catchment area of our dams and we are still on high water restrictions.

Take Care

Best wishes

A.

SO - communication is opening up - and hope reigns supreme once more!!!
I feel very sad that P can't find the strength she needs - and I'm sad that A has to email me behind her back - but I have to take anything I can get at this stage - so this is how it will have to be.
I also suspect that A perhaps did not receive the letter I wrote him in November - see this post - and I will question him on this in the near future.
For now though - I will keep it light and chatty - I will talk about what's happening in 'House Chez' - and I will try to get to know A for the wonderful person that he appears to be. (thankyou to my amazing friend D for suggesting this course of action!!)
I feel that P has been holding on to so many secrets for so very long - that she just can't cope with everything falling down around her. I suspect also that A doesn't know that their are two of us (daughters of P - adoptees) but that is not up to me to tell. This journey I'm on is about me - and I shall not upset the already delicate balance that I now find myself in.
I'm thanking my angels - and all you amazing blogging friends - for just being able to breath again today.
And now I'm off to do a little happy dance - just for me!!


22 Comments:

Blogger BethGo said...

Wow. What a letter. It sounds very promising that at least he is willing to communicate with you. I'm disappointed for you that he did not mention his actual relationship to you if you know what I mean. I agree that he probably did not receive your previous letter.
You deserve to know the truth.
How frustrating for you!
I am hoping the best for you.

15/2/07, 11:11 am  
Blogger juliaNY07 said...

YEAH, so good, sending hugs from New York..

15/2/07, 11:32 am  
Blogger Being Me said...

Yay for A and YOU, continuing into the mystery and the delicate balance.

15/2/07, 12:03 pm  
Blogger Julie said...

This is interesting...

Despite no direct contact you are getting a glimpse of your mum's state of mind - something I doubt you would get directly (at least at this point). In a way, it seems like a bit of an unfair advantage - seeing your mum through A's eyes...

I am very happy for you to have this communication and, yes, some hope for the future.

15/2/07, 12:11 pm  
Blogger angel said...

Wow sweetie, you must be so relieved to have this acknowledgement and understanding - at looong last. Even if it's only from A at this time.

Although contact has been made secretly, it's something that A now understands is imperative to your well being too.
He sounds like a wonderful person - who has placed himself in a precarious position, ultimately, looking out for both you and his wife.
That's very special, and it speaks volumes about his feelings for you, and the dilemna he is in. Makes me wonder too, if he is in fact your biological father.

I hope the insight into P's state of mind may help you be less frustrated. It's a baby step at least. And as I have recently found, this whole reunion is very unpredictable. Who knows what will happen next week!

hugs and celebratory champa's for the first in what I hope is many more emails....

:-D

love alex

15/2/07, 12:44 pm  
Blogger Ange said...

I am so excited for you. He may be the missing link that you need. It's great that you might get some kind of relationship happening with him and then he too, will open up..

Thinking of you.

Ange (Origins)
xx

15/2/07, 2:25 pm  
Anonymous Paula O. said...

Ohmygosh, Chez! I can only imagine the flurry of emotions you are experiencing. I am so glad you ARE being reached out to at this time, and hopefully soon you will hear from you mom. You are being SO strong and I am thinking and praying for ALL good things for you. ((((Chez))) You are close in heart and thought- I am hoping for the best!! You deserve no less.

15/2/07, 3:22 pm  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I'm glad you finally heard something, it sounds promising! fingers crossed for you.

15/2/07, 3:52 pm  
Blogger chez said...

Beth - thanks so much for dropping by. VERY promising it is!!

Miss J - feeling the hugz gorgeous girl!!

J - YAY indeed. Feeling SO very good today!!!

Julie - yes - I know what you mean - it does feel a little weird to be seeing into my mother's feelings, but from a different angle. I am just so very very grateful (oops - there's that blasted word!!) to have any contact at this stage.

Alex - I am feeling really good vibes from A - he really has a very very kind heart. Thank goodness for men like him. I'm dying to know one way or the other if he is my bio-dad.......but I too will tap my fingers (LOVED the pic on your blog!!) and remain patient just a wee while longer. No matter what though - he is the key to further contact - and I'll embrace him either way.

Ange - thanks so much for dropping by. It's great to see you here.

Paula - thanks for saying that I deserve the best - it's nice to be reminded of that - often!!! I sometimes - well - mostly always - sell myself very very short.

Elizabeth - thank you for popping in. It's nice to see you here.


Hugs to you all. I'm feeling your good vibes - and they help so very very much. The highs and lows of this crap are very exhausting.
C. xxxxxxxxx

15/2/07, 4:25 pm  
Blogger Reunited Dan said...

How wonderful is this!

I had a feeling there was some sort of illness. That fact that he mentions "she is slipping physically, mentally and emotionally" makes me wonder if it could be early Alzhiemers disease (which is more and more prevalent here in the states)or something similar. I am certainly no doctor though.

I think you have a foot in the door with A. He sounds like a great guy who hasn't let you out of his thoughts. Just the fact that he would go against her wishes to contact you speaks of his care and concern for you.

Enjoy!

15/2/07, 10:14 pm  
Anonymous Addie Pray said...

God, that sounded so much like what I have heard from one of my a-sisters about my own b-mother. Damn.

I am glad you are learning some things. I'm also so very frustrated for you. I know how this feels. We settle for something because it's better than nothing. I just keep wanting to say I'm sorry, I know it sounds bad, but I've been there. It's a very hard line to walk.

16/2/07, 2:27 am  
Blogger suz said...

wow. i am wondering if he is indeed your father. maybe i am jaded by my own experience, but i cannot see a man, not your father, being so inclined to share that. again, my own experience may be talking here.
but yeah, amazing. wonderful. crumbs are good no matter how small or large they may be.

16/2/07, 5:24 am  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Oh Chez, I have goosebumps and tears! Yay! I think it's wonderful that he cares so much for your feelings. I admire him for that. I see this as great progress. Congrats! Big hugs, Rebecca

16/2/07, 6:36 am  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Wonderful contact Chez. It is a start and I am sure your mom will be following suit shortly. Keep us updated please. We are all doing the happy dance with you!

16/2/07, 3:25 pm  
Blogger Joy said...

Oh Chez, am thinking of you.
A. does sound very kind, that is a good sign.

18/2/07, 9:32 am  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

I had tried to post before on this. I think my internet connection is spotty at times. In any event I was struck by the 'slipping emotionally and physically' line as well. I'm sorry she is, but I'm happy for you that you seem to have one person who is trying his hardest to make sense of all of this, and stepping outside of his comfort zone to be the communicator in this. I'm sorry it's not her you heard from, but that doesn't stop me from happy dancing nevertheless. And maybe like a rain dance, doing a contact dance for you as well. Many hugs.

19/2/07, 11:11 am  
Blogger chez said...

To Dan, Addie, Suz, Rebecca, Leroy, Joy & Theresa,
THANKYOU ALL SO MUCH for dropping by - and taking the time to comment.
You all being here means so very much to me - and I truly am grateful (oops - that word again.....) for meeting you all in blog-land.
Your words both here and in your own blogs inspire me in so many many ways.
Thank you & big hugs, C. xxxx

19/2/07, 7:21 pm  
Anonymous Jessie said...

Hey Chez... just checked in on this. I am SOOOO glad you are finally getting some kind of response!! I can't even imagine being in your situation all these months, it must be so unbelievably nervewracking. I am glad you got some communication, and I really, really hope that you will continue to recieve it!

20/2/07, 10:15 am  
Blogger Mama Drama Jenny said...

I'm so happy for you that you finally got some contact. He sounds like a good man.

Sending you hugs.

21/2/07, 12:55 am  
Anonymous bijou said...

Hi Chez/Possum, thanks for stopping by to say hi, and sharing your story here. This gives me hope that an initial denial of contact may not be final-
best, bijou

22/2/07, 5:31 am  
Anonymous mia said...

This is so awesome. I could read it again and again.

22/2/07, 11:53 am  
Blogger Possum said...

To Jessie, Jenny, Bijou & Mia,
Thank you all for dropping in and saying hi.
It's been so good to get everyone's best wishes on this......it's got to help - doesn't it????
Big hugs, Poss. xx

22/2/07, 10:27 pm  

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