Bitter, Angry and Ungrateful Adoptee
(hell - I hear them every single day - but a certain post led me to write this post today - I won't link - as it was more because of a comment I read to that post that really got me heated - and I just needed to have my say!)
I get VERY defensive when AP's call adoptees 'bitter and angry'.
Like a mother.
I know - personally - many of the blogging adoptees on the internet.
Many are actually the MOST caring, understanding, wicked-sense-of-humour people I have EVER met in my entire life.
They sooth my soul when I get hurt, they lift me up when I am down, they make me laugh, they make me cry and they give me a huge sense of hope.
And they GET this stuff - they validate those feelings that - for way too long - I kept stuffed down - just to make everyone else's lives easier for them to live with.
A point that too many miss - is that all adoptees (whether they admit it or not - and that is only for the adoptee alone to admit) will have issues (even tiny issues) about their own adoption - and it often has NOTHING AT ALL to do with how well the AP's did at parenting.
Bad parenting will certainly make life infinitely harder for the adoptee - for any child really - but an adoptee's major issues come about simply by being placed in the situation that they were separated from family, culture and often country and language.
An AP can NOT magically make it all better for the adoptee - you know - kiss it - put a bandage on it - because - this stuff will just not MAGICALLY go away!!
But just ignoring that there is a problem - WILL make life so much harder for an adoptee.
An adoptee is given/taken away by/from their own mother & family.
No amount of 'you are so loved and chosen' story will ever truly make that hurt go away.
No amount of ' your mother did what was best for you'.
No amount of ' you have a better life than you would have had'.
THE TRUTH - being given/taken away - just HURTS - deep deep in an adoptee's soul.
What DOES help - is when you're parented by those that do all they can to try to understand what an adoptee goes through, validate that loss for the adoptee, make sure that the adoption was ethical in the first place & no coercion took place, talk often to the adoptee - and allow them to voice what adoption means to them, let them know their full story (at age appropriate levels), allow them to know all about their first family (to fully grow - one MUST have knowledge of their roots), NOT take things personally (unless you really are a bad parent - then yes - you should take it personally & get the hint - but usually it is NOT about you - because most adoptees will try to protect ALL of their family - often above their own mental & emotional health) - it's about the adoptee trying to come to terms with something that is not how nature had intended for a child to grow - with the mother that the child developed for 9 months with - who has the same genetic background, many of the same features, traits and talents - the one that a child just feels that they should have grown up with.
(and that feeling is not meant to make an AP feel bad - as it's just NOT ABOUT THEM.)
Ultimately - if an AP is quick to call an adoptee that speaks out - 'bitter', 'angry' and 'ungrateful' - they haven't come close to getting the message - they've just skimmed over the top - and labeled it to make themselves feel better.
THE TRUTH - an adoptee that speaks out is actually caring more for YOUR adoptee - than probably you are right now.
We adoptees that have lived adoption - DO NOT WANT TO SEE ADOPTEES HURT BY THE SAME MISTAKES THAT OUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS MADE.
We love our adoptive parents with all of our hearts - but they didn't have the internet - or the knowledge - that is out there now.
Don't go and bury your head in the sand - just because it helps you all sleep better at night.
Read other adoptees words & what adoptees have to say, talk openly about this stuff with your own adoptee, don't allow adoption misconceptions to perpetuate.
We're about protecting others that have to live with the head-mess that is adoption.
How about you all starting to help?!
* Disclaimer - this post was prompted by another - but not directly aimed at the writer of that post. (in fact I think the writer of that post gets this stuff deep deep in her soul - as she is an adoptee) That's why I wrote this here - and not there - as I just had things I wanted to say.
** Disclaimer 2 - there are many AP's out there that truly do get this stuff - and I thank you - you give me hope - and I know that your adoptee's will be able to grow with the understanding that they need.
*** Disclaimer 3 - I do have a very full and crazy life outside of here. I do not go around with my head down, day after day, saying - 'oh feel sorry for me - I'm an adoptee'.
Again - if for ONE second you think that about me - or many of the blogging adoptees - you really just. don't. get. it.
I have another blog - which is just about life in general - but this adoption stuff is important to me & deserves a blog of it's own - so I keep it all here.