Friday, June 20, 2008

Bitter, Angry and Ungrateful Adoptee

I'm kind of over the 'angry', 'bitter' and 'ungrateful' titles - that have - yet again - been bandied around the internet in the last 24 hours.

(hell - I hear them every single day - but a certain post led me to write this post today - I won't link - as it was more because of a comment I read to that post that really got me heated - and I just needed to have my say!)

I get VERY defensive when AP's call adoptees 'bitter and angry'.
Like a mother.

I know - personally - many of the blogging adoptees on the internet.
Many are actually the MOST caring, understanding, wicked-sense-of-humour people I have EVER met in my entire life.
They sooth my soul when I get hurt, they lift me up when I am down, they make me laugh, they make me cry and they give me a huge sense of hope.
And they GET this stuff - they validate those feelings that - for way too long - I kept stuffed down - just to make everyone else's lives easier for them to live with.

A point that too many miss - is that all adoptees (whether they admit it or not - and that is only for the adoptee alone to admit) will have issues (even tiny issues) about their own adoption - and it often has NOTHING AT ALL to do with how well the AP's did at parenting.

Bad parenting will certainly make life infinitely harder for the adoptee - for any child really - but an adoptee's major issues come about simply by being placed in the situation that they were separated from family, culture and often country and language.

An AP can NOT magically make it all better for the adoptee - you know - kiss it - put a bandage on it - because - this stuff will just not MAGICALLY go away!!

But just ignoring that there is a problem - WILL make life so much harder for an adoptee.

An adoptee is given/taken away by/from their own mother & family.

No amount of 'you are so loved and chosen' story will ever truly make that hurt go away.
No amount of ' your mother did what was best for you'.
No amount of ' you have a better life than you would have had'.

THE TRUTH - being given/taken away - just HURTS - deep deep in an adoptee's soul.

What DOES help - is when you're parented by those that do all they can to try to understand what an adoptee goes through, validate that loss for the adoptee, make sure that the adoption was ethical in the first place & no coercion took place, talk often to the adoptee - and allow them to voice what adoption means to them, let them know their full story (at age appropriate levels), allow them to know all about their first family (to fully grow - one MUST have knowledge of their roots), NOT take things personally (unless you really are a bad parent - then yes - you should take it personally & get the hint - but usually it is NOT about you - because most adoptees will try to protect ALL of their family - often above their own mental & emotional health) - it's about the adoptee trying to come to terms with something that is not how nature had intended for a child to grow - with the mother that the child developed for 9 months with - who has the same genetic background, many of the same features, traits and talents - the one that a child just feels that they should have grown up with.

(and that feeling is not meant to make an AP feel bad - as it's just NOT ABOUT THEM.)

Ultimately - if an AP is quick to call an adoptee that speaks out - 'bitter', 'angry' and 'ungrateful' - they haven't come close to getting the message - they've just skimmed over the top - and labeled it to make themselves feel better.

THE TRUTH - an adoptee that speaks out is actually caring more for YOUR adoptee - than probably you are right now.


We love our adoptive parents with all of our hearts - but they didn't have the internet - or the knowledge - that is out there now.

Don't go and bury your head in the sand - just because it helps you all sleep better at night.

Read other adoptees words & what adoptees have to say, talk openly about this stuff with your own adoptee, don't allow adoption misconceptions to perpetuate.

We're about protecting others that have to live with the head-mess that is adoption.

How about you all starting to help?!

* Disclaimer - this post was prompted by another - but not directly aimed at the writer of that post. (in fact I think the writer of that post gets this stuff deep deep in her soul - as she is an adoptee) That's why I wrote this here - and not there - as I just had things I wanted to say.

** Disclaimer 2 - there are many AP's out there that truly do get this stuff - and I thank you - you give me hope - and I know that your adoptee's will be able to grow with the understanding that they need.

*** Disclaimer 3 - I do have a very full and crazy life outside of here. I do not go around with my head down, day after day, saying - 'oh feel sorry for me - I'm an adoptee'.
Again - if for ONE second you think that about me - or many of the blogging adoptees - you really just. don't. get. it.
I have another blog - which is just about life in general - but this adoption stuff is important to me & deserves a blog of it's own - so I keep it all here.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

To An Adoptee.......It's All About Lines..........

This picture just spoke volumes to me today.

This is what genetics feels like to me. (especially since I've finally met my bio sis after 35 yrs - who looks like me, laughs like me, has the same talents & habits as me, reads the same authors as me, thinks like me - is a part of me).

My adoptive parents certainly added some diagonal lines to my mix - because to an adoptee - nothing is cut and dry.

But genetics is SO MUCH of who I am - and when you're not allowed to know that link - that makes for a messed up time when you're trying to live & grow.

Most adoptees - have no knowledge of the people that match their lines.

Open records - damn it - adoptees are people too - and they just need to know where their lines came from.

(I stole this image from Theresa's blog - Ungrateful Little Bastard - I hope she doesn't mind!?!?!)

Please help adoptees get access to what all other citizens are allowed.

Please help adoptees find out about those that share their lines............

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Giving Up On Hopes, Dreams & Wishes

A wonderful first mum blogger - Suz - has written today about letting go of wishes - titled - 'Giving Up Wishes' - please do go over and read if you can.

As usual - dear Suz has got me to thinking - but from the point of view of an adoptee - and the hopes, dreams and wishes of an adoptee who WANTS to find their first mother - who WANTS a reunion of sorts.

You see - I'm not getting those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
I don't think I'll EVER get those hopes, dreams and wishes fulfilled.
My mother is too damaged by the 'joys, sunshine and roses' of adoption - that I don't think she'll ever come around to see me, like I would wish her to see me.

I've spent this last year trying to come to terms with the fact - that - I am not going to get that which I had hoped for - when I set out searching for my family of origin.

Sure - finally - I received some answers.
I finally know 'who' they are - I have some contact with my father - and slowly (sometimes painfully slowly) I'm finding stuff out about the 'why' and the 'where'.
I'm also starting to get to know the father that I was never allowed to know.
I'm still hoping that I will also be allowed to one day get to know my siblings - but for now - I wait - hoping for 'my' time.

BUT - I'm losing all hope on what my greatest heart desire was when I started on this journey - that of reuniting and getting to know the person that I have such a great need to know.

My mother.

Coming to terms with that - has been a heart-breaking journey - to say the least.

Suz wrote this - (in relationship to her lost daughter) -
"Motherhood does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my child simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations."

I would have to also say -

Being someone's child does not come with an off switch. I cannot stop caring about my mother simply because she or others tell me too. However, I suppose I could find a different way to care. I could also lower my expectations.

I have no regrets that I started on this journey - there is stuff I just needed to know.
But for now - I need to work hard to refocus - as it's all not going where I want it to go.
I need to start living by those words.
I need to look at all this in a different way.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The ONLY Way Adoption Should Be.

A question about 'healthy motivation to adopt' & ethical adoption - was posed to me earlier this week.
The points below relate to both those that are considering relinquishing a child - and those that are wishing to adopt.

* Adoption should be for the benefit of the child - and not the benefit of the adult.
(first and foremost)
No child WANTS to be separated from their parents.
Adoption should never be seen as birth control - for a child that was conceived and born at the wrong time.
It is NOT emotionally and psychologically healthy for children to be separated from their parents - whether as an infant - or as an older child - IF IT DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN.
No child will understand fully - that their own family - from where they came - never fought hard enough to keep them within their ranks.
The reasons have to be damned good - for an adoptee to fully come to terms with why they were given away.
(and don't get me started on 'a loving choice' - which is just adoption agency bull-dust - to make it all sound better than it ever will be - to an adoptee)

* Adoptive parents need to love and help an adoptee to grow - but still allow that child to know and have links to their past - that part of them that too often is discounted - even when it may feel uncomfortable to do so.
(of course only if it is safe to have that contact)
Knowledge also includes allowance for grief - of all that the adoptee has lost.
If the adoptive parent does not allow for grief (ongoing grief - not a 'aren't you over that yet' non-understanding of grief) - they are damaging that child - with hidden scares that will last a life time.
Don't wait for the adoptee to ask you for information - they're too scared that you'll reject them - and that's usually more than they can bare.
Allow their story to be spoken of from day 1.
It's their story to own - allow them to have it.

* Adoption should be seen as a means for a child to have a larger family - not a replacement family.
Adoptees have a HUGE compacity for love.
Allow them to love all - and love them deeply in return.
And NEVER make an adoptee choose sides - their adoption wasn't a choice they made - it was yours.

* All parties MUST remember always that the child has no say in any of the adoption decisions.
Think of how your actions will affect the child 20 years down the track.
If you live in a state that has sealed records for life - how do think your adoptee will feel when they finally become an adult - and they're still not allowed their OBC - nor their truth???!
If you relinquish - and move on with your life without telling anyone - how will the adoptee feel when they are not allowed to know their first family, siblings and extended family - because you're too frightened to let people know of the truth?
Make it your life mission to expel the lies and secrets from your life - so that your adoptee doesn't have to deal with them for their entire life.
Adoptees already feel rejected - don't make them pay over and over for events that they had absolutely no choice in.

* Work on nurturing the child for who they are - not for who you want them to be. Work with, not against, the 'nature'.
An adoptee is NOT an adoptive parents biological child.
They never can be - they never will be. Do not put that pressure on your child.
An adoptee has traits, looks and talents of his/her biological family. Don't fight that - embrace it - love it. Never make the adoptee feel bad about it.
Adoptees may end up living in completely different lifestyle from the one he/she came from - again - never make the adoptee feel bad about it.

* Try to remember that the adoptee is forever caught in the middle - between the family he/she was born to - and the family he/she was raised in.
Adoptees will try hard to please everyone - while rarely taking care of their own needs.
Be aware of their pleasing tendencies - and don't make them take sides.

* Above all ethics in adoption means - to help out a pregnant woman in need - to parent - before trying to obtain her child for your own gain.
THIS is the loving option - the loving thing to do.

If adoption really does NOT have to happen - how about showing some love - to keep mothers and babies together?!

Adoption IS meant to be about finding homes for those that no longer have one.
It's supposed to be about the child.
(not about those that can't have one)
Let's look after the best - ABSOLUTE BEST - interests of the child.

That is how adoption SHOULD be.

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Saturday, June 07, 2008

Writing Campaign Announcement

On behalf of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration - please help if you can -

Have you ever wanted to help out with the Open Records movement, but weren’t sure how to get involved? Maybe you’re not able to make it to the protest, or better yet, maybe you’re joining us and still want to help out?

This is your opportunity to get involved!

Every Friday(7 in total) from now until the protest (July 22, 2008) protesters, and supporters of adoptees and our civil rights, will be sending letters to their state representatives. Our mission is to inform the legislators about the issues surrounding Adoptee Rights and unconditional access to our records as well as informing them of our appearance in New Orleans this July. Join us!

This July 23-25th 2008 the Adoptee Rights Committee will be in Exhibitors booth #246 at the Annual State Legislatures Convention where thousands of your State Representatives are expected. By participating in this campaign you are helping “our cause” reach the legislators before we meet during the convention. When we approach them for their positions and possible support for unconditional open records, they will have a better understanding of what we’re talking about.

This is your opportunity to help the movement educate the people who have the power to unseal our records. We may have 5 minutes with someone, who if given the correct material through our writing campaign, would support a clean open records bill in your state.

If you’ve never written a letter to your state legislator, now is the perfect opportunity to get started! A draft letter as well as other important information has been put together here: “WRITING CAMPAIGN,” for all participants.

We’re asking volunteers to come together and participate in this letter-writing campaign over the next 6 weeks leading up to the protest.

5 minutes a day, one day a week and the cost of a stamp is all it takes.

Joining in on our mailing list is a fabulous way to ask questions, get tips and assistance during the campaign as well as meet the other protesters and writing campaign participants.

We hope to see you there!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Adoptee Rights Demonstration Update

Help if you can - heck - get there if at all possible.
It's time to be heard - please pass on........

For more information, please visit

Hello everyone!

July 22nd is fast approaching! Here is the update for the Adoptee Rights Day demonstration in New Orleans. We will be posting frequent updates so folks will be in the loop with schedules and what the plan of action is for the next two months, and while in New Orleans attending the demonstration and Exhibitors Booth.

New Orleans demonstration updates:

The permit for Lafayette Square has been paid for and is in our possession.

The demonstration and march will be held Tuesday July 22nd beginning at 9:00 am (more details soon).

The Exhibitors Booth has been paid for and the Adoptee Rights Committee will be in booth #246 on the Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday following the demonstration.

We have received over $3000 in donations! Thanks to everyone for supporting ARD. Our goal for a full page ad in the print version of the New Orleans Times-Picayune listing adult adoptees and their friends and family who support adoptee rights is still in progress, if you haven’t done so already add your name to the list!

A writing campaign to Legislators starts on Friday June 6th (information and instructions will be available on the evening of the 5th).

We are asking for volunteers to assist the organizers while at the event, if you can help us out in New Orleans please let us know.

If you haven’t done so already hop on over to our mailing list where you can get immediate updates about our Writing Campaign starting tomorrow Friday June 6th, as well as interaction with all of the other protesters and supporters of Open Records and the Demonstration.

***We regret to inform people that Bastard Nation is no longer one of the Adoptee Rights Day sponsors. We wish them well and thank them for their efforts thus far. **

The days are counting down and the time is near, so much work is coming together and it couldn’t have been possible without you. Thank you.

For any questions about the demonstration, please contact

Monday, June 02, 2008

The Loss of Julia

On Saturday, the adoption blogging world lost one of it's most beautiful souls.

Dear Julia - lost her battle with leukemia.

She was waiting for a bone marrow match - that never came.

She was only 25.

She may have had a better chance - if only she hadn't been an adoptee.

You will be greatly missed Julia - but you will never be forgotten.

Your words gave strength to many.

Poss. xxxxx